On July 6th I arrived in Gainesville, Georgia for World Race Training Camp. With me I brought my possessions for the next 10 days all complied in 2 backpacks: one 75L hiking backpack and one 25L daypack. These two packs held everything I will be carrying with me for the year, clothes, tent, sleeping bag ect. However, I also brought along a third pack, one that most people didn’t see. I actually have this backpack with me constantly, but don’t allow most people see it. In this pack I carry my fears, struggles, and burdens. When I arrived at Training Camp this pack was full, heavy, and cumbersome.
It’s not that I WANT to be carrying this pack around. It’s surely not comfortable or convenient. Often times I have to orient myself around its weight and bulk. It keeps my hands full from the constant attention it demands, and yet, I cannot bring myself to let it go. There is a certain comfortableness that comes with the pack. Even if it weighs me down, it has always been my companion. AND the pack keeps all my problems contained, manageable even. Really, it’s not THAT much weight. I can handle the extra bulk. Honestly, it’s not that bad, I promise. I’ll even let you have a peek into what I packed just to prove it’s not too burdensome:
All I have packed in there is a little bit of fear. Fear of what I’m about it embark on in 6 weeks. Fear of not being adequate or equipped enough to really make a difference. Fear of leaving everything I have ever known. Oh and there is that insecurity I have carried around most my life, that one it important to remember to pack. I need it to remind me daily of my imperfection. Also, I can’t forget to include the people and situations I don’t want to forgive, so maybe a little resentment should be added too. If I am justified in my feelings then forgiveness is not needed right? Oh, and I’ll go ahead and keep my need to always be strong in there, that way it’s nice and convenient. Maybe in one of the pockets I’ll hide my emotions, because nobody needs to see those. While we are at it, lets include the concern for my friends and family. Who is going to take care of them while I’m gone? I need to continue to be strong and dependable for them, but how can I do that abroad? We don’t have to talk about singleness and need for affirmation, but I can be sure and include that in my pack as a constant reminder.
So, July 6th, I arrive at Training Camp 3 bags heavy, with no intentions of shedding any weight. I have lived under the idea that if I allow others to see inside my pack then that is enough. I can unzip it, show the contents, but then I zip it right back up and continue to wear it. Contained and controlled.
But, contained and controlled is not true freedom.
I found something out over the next 10 days. The Lord has more for me. More than a life that is held back and weighed down by a pack of lies, that I don’t have to carry the pack myself, that it was already taken from me on the cross, and that I CAN be free. I don’t have to deal with the weight; I can actually be released from the burden of carrying this pack around.
“Come to me all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear and the burden I give you is light.” (Matthew 28-30)
Come to me. Rest. Be free.
So I took the pack off.
I’m tired of being contained. I want to live the abundantly wild life God has for me and I just can’t do that while being enslaved.
I feel light for the first time, and I’m not sure what to do with this freedom. I am sure, however, that those places where lies and fears borrowed so deep can now be filled by God, and I am sure that I can sing loud and long of his love and redemption.
May these songs be my breath day in and day out:
Set a fire down in my soul
that I can’t contain that I can’t control.
I want more of you, God.
I want more of you, God.
Set a fire down in my soul
that I can’t contain that I can’t control.
I want more of you, God.
I want more of you, God.
(Repeat a lot)
Take me out to the middle of the river,
I want to drown in the good ol’ river of your love.
I found my freedom in the river
Found my freedom in the river
Of your love
Of your love
(Repeat a lot)
I left my pack in the woods of Georgia.
Because it was so heavy.
Because I can’t be God’s hands and feet when my hands are full.
Because it’s hard to dance with the devil on your back (So shake him off).
Because I’m no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God.
Because I want more.
I left my pack in the woods of Georgia, and I’m not going back for it.
