Confession: I am a control freak.
Not in the sense that I like to control other people, but purely in my own life, and specifically regarding my future. Many see my easy-going and go-with-the-flow outside appearance or my “typical artist” tendencies (i.e. I’m always late, I am pretty unorganized, my spiritual gift is procrastination…) and assume I take the future as it comes with not much thought. They think I live in moment and run on my own time without much regard to the future. All of that is a true part of me, I will always have a carefree side, but what many people don’t understand about me is that I ultimately take so much comfort in a plan. I have a juxtaposition going on inside of me that sometimes I don’t even understand. On one hand I am easy-going and carefree, I don’t always worry about things because I have a pretty optimistic and enthusiastic outlook on life, but on the other hand I want to be the one with control over my life, I want to be the one that makes my plan, and I want to know that my life will follow that plan exactly as I have imagined it. For me, my control issues don’t kick in because of fear of the unknown, but because I have a hard time trusting that others can help me in my own life. In my mind, I know myself so well; l know my strengths and my limits; I know my passion and my work ethic, and I would rather just do something myself because I know I will do it well then to give up control to someone else. I pride myself in being an independent and strong person, but sometimes I lack the ability to ask for help. I don’t like so seem weak; I don’t like to depend on others to help me with things I surely should be able to do myself. I fall into the mindset that I’m doing a pretty good job making my own decisions, God is there, others are there, but I can handle things on my own too, you know?
My inner control freak has been acting up lately due to the huge mountain that is fundraising. When I think about it, I literally have no control over how people will respond to my need for funds. I can do nothing else but put my complete and utter trust in the hands of God. I can plan fundraisers, I can pray, I can share my heart with my friends and family, but I can’t control the outcome. That is what is scary to me, not that I’m afraid of insufficient funds, because I KNOW with all my heart that God will provide, but that I have no control over amounts or timelines. I can’t know when or how I will be provided for. This isn’t just another thing I can try to do on my own; my fate is literally in the hands of others. It’s scary to be out of control. It’s scary to live by trust.
Currently I am a High School teacher at a private school and we are privileged to have a chapel service every day. 30 minutes set aside for all of secondary to come together and worship God. A few days ago we had a guest speaker come, and wouldn’t you know, he talked about trust (Funny, God. I see what you did there). I know his message was directed at the kids, but his words have been pulling at my heart ever since. I have been thinking of his visual aid he used, it’s kinda silly, but I am a visual person so it connected with me. He talked about the scene in finding Nemo when Marlin and Dory are in the whale. Dory is trying to convince Marlin that the whale is looking out for them and is only trying to help, but Marlin has some control issues and doesn’t want to trust Dory. They are hanging on to the tongue of the whale, Dory has no problem giving up all her trust to the whale but Marlin literally can’t make himself let go:
“Dory: He says, “It’s time to let go”. Everything’s going to be all right.?
Marlin: How do you know, how do you know something bad isn’t gonna happen?!?
Dory: I don’t!”
The point is I DON’T know what is going to happen, but that should not be the reason I falter in my trust. Often times I am Marlin, but I want so much to be Dory. I want to realize that sometimes despite all your planning, you get swallowed by a whale, and you are in a place that you literally cannot manipulate the outcome or control the situation. And sometimes getting swallowed by that whale is the best thing that ever happened to you, despite it being the farthest thing from your plan. Sometimes when you place your life in the hands of others you get a greater outcome than you could ever imagine. And sometimes when you allow others to direct you, they save you from aimlessly wandering in the ocean and take you exactly where you need to go. Through the WR I hope to learn that it is okay to be Dory. That it is okay to put your trust somewhere other than yourself and ask for help (goodness, why is that so hard for me to do), and its okay to be swallowed by the whales that come.
There is a song by Colony House (check them out, they are awesome!) that I have been listening to constantly the past few days. This song was introduced to me by a dear friend, who is rather good a calling me out when I am stuck in the wrong way of thinking, at a time when I really needed to hear it…and what do you know…I STILL need to hear it. I have love the truth in its words:
“When do I feel it?
When do I feel it in my bones?
That kind of breathing
Whispering mysteries to my soul
I think it’s when I lose control
I think it’s when I lose control
We can’t keep fighting for a steady life so
I’ll ride the wind like a feather toward home
God is a beautiful and loving God, but he is wild and untamable. He does unthinkable and outlandish acts of love daily, he is relentless in his love; he breaks every chain, and constantly blesses us with undeserved grace. He is creative, imaginative, unexpected, and uncontainable; he is anything but predictable, structured, or calculable. I keep fighting for this controlled, methodical, step-by-step relationship with him, I keep fighting for a life that follows my plan, but God cannot be contained. I don’t want a steady life. That is a huge reason I decided to do the Race; I’m tired of the control and the monotony. I want to feel a deep burring desire for the Lord; I want to feel him in my bones. And when do I feel it? When do I feel it in my bones?…I think it’s when I lose control.
As I enter a season of vulnerability during my fundraising my prayer is this: that I learn about the freedom you receive when you give up control. That I learn that trusting EVERYTHING to God is scary, but also relieving. May I learn that amazing things happen when I relinquish my control to the one who loves me so deeply. This season is scary, but God is bigger than any fear!
Hannah
Speaking of fundraising, I am starting my first fundraiser and I want you to be a part of it! I have included a picture of a chart of numbers from 1-210. These numbers represent a dollar amount. I am asking anyone who feels called to donate to my mission to “adopt a block” and donate the dollar amount that is in the square. This would be a one-time donation. I will then mark that block off the list to show that the block has already been “adopted.” Once all the blocks have been marked off I will have raised over $20,000. This will fully fund my trip, help support me while on the field, and pay for gear and vaccinations needed before I leave. As it shows on the chart there is no donation too small, every little bit helps! You are also more than welcome to adopt multiple blocks if you wish. To donate you can either:
1. By pressing “Support Me” on the left side of my blog
2. Mail checks directly to me (message me for my address).
Regardless of the method please contact me and let me know which block you are adopting so I can mark it off the list!
Fundraising is a scary process, but I know I serve an incredibly big God! Thank you for your love, support, prayers, and encouragement! You are loved dearly by me!
