For some reason, this particular Spring has been more enjoyable than others. I have always enjoyed the season, but this year has been different. I have been filled with an unprecedented joy each time I step outside. Warm breezes, green fields, flowers blooming; my world is saturated with new beginnings, fresh starts, and hope springing out of the dirt and I can’t get enough of it. Why have I seemed to enjoy this Spring more than others? Maybe its because this past Winter was so long and cold (especially for TX) and my body was craving rejuvenation, or maybe because I have spent the last four Springs in West Texas where plant life is nonexistent and I forgot the beauty of East Texas. Those are both valid, but I think the real reason is that the changing from Winter to Spring directly correlates with my life currently.
This realization came about a couple weeks ago when I attended a retreat. I was suddenly hit with the realization that not only was Spring occurring in the physical world around me, but also inside of me.
About a year ago I was very aware of my own weakness. Prior to my senior year in college I had never been one that enjoyed asking others for help. I felt as though I should be able to handle all things I face on my own. God would show me otherwise senior year. I began to learn that I can’t do everything on my own, that its ok to admit you can’t handle everything, and its ok to ask for help. My favorite worship song during this time became Give Me Faith, especially the bridge that says, “I may be weak, but your spirit’s strong in me” I connected with the message that I, Hannah Henderson, am weak. My flesh fails and that is okay because I serve a God that doesn’t fail. What a powerful message. “You’re weak, you can’t do this on your own, you need God, you need to let things go.” While that is a great message to connect with, its not enough. It is what I needed to hear in my life at the moment, but I don’t want to just be aware of my weakness and thank God that I don’t have to face adversity alone. I want more, I want to grow.
At the retreat I sang this song for the first time in a while and I was stuck by a much different message. Last year I was focusing on my own weakness “I may be weak, but your spirit’s strong in me” This time I was overwhelmed by a message of strength “I may be weak, but your spirit’s strong in me” I had never thought of this song in that way before. God reviled new a new truth to me, “Yes you yourself are weak, but look Hannah, look at the strength I have put in you. See my spirit inside of you and see MY strength. If you dwell on MY strength instead of YOUR weakness, just think of how I can use you.” A year ago I was not ready to hear this message, but I was finally receptive and it is a result of something exciting:
Growth
To be honest I didn’t know what life after college would hold. Graduation was not something I looked forward to. I was being forced to leave a place I wasn’t quite ready to leave, say goodbye to friends I didn’t want to say goodbye to, and move back to a place I said I would never live again. I didn’t know what I was about to face leaving school. Would I adapt or grow? Did I even WANT to adapt or grow? I felt pretty okay with my life and my self. Did I really have to leave Abilene and start over…but, ready or not, I started the transition out. I spent precious last moments with my dearest loves, packed my Chevy Equinox with 4 years worth of possessions, and said my dreaded goodbyes; leaving pieces of my heart behind as I got on I20 East. Tears were shed (only shared between my dashboard and me because I don’t cry; not in front of people anyway), sad songs were sung, and 4.5 hours later I arrived back in East Texas. I was welcomed with open arms by my parents and siblings who were far more excited to have me back then I was to be there.
Change kidnapped me against my will and I was not happy about it.
Am I reaaaally back in my hometown living with my parents? Why am I back at home? Will I like my new job? Will I feel isolated? Will I make new friends? Will I still talk to my college friends? How can I top the last four years at ACU? Am I capable of moving on? Am I supposed to start drinking my coffee black now? Do I really have to dress professionally everyday? Wait, student loans are real..and I have to pay back HOW much each month? How do I even adult?
In the past, change has brought me much anxiety. And in August I found myself going through the most extensive time of change thus far. The transition from student to working adult is not easy, nor was I looking forward to making that transition, but change is inevitable; it’s a giant unstoppable force that sometimes has to drag you along against your will.
If you don’t allow change to occur, however, you will never grow.
In the past 9 months of officially being fully employed I have come to learn SO much. I wouldn’t be experiencing such an emancipating Spring if I wasn’t forced to move into a new season; a season I was dreading. I hate to admit it, but this seasons has been my favorite. I have learned more about about myself than ever before. I have experienced more growth than I thought possible. And it is good. I’d like to share with you some things I have been learning. I wish I had the time to tell you all the stories and situations connected to the lessons, but for now you will have to settle with a vague list:
THINGS I HAVE LEARNED IN THE PAST 9 MONTHS
- How to communicate effectively to a group of people
- How to extend grace like Oprah gives gifts on her Christmas episodes (You get grace..and you get grace..and YOU get grace…)
- Even when you respect others not everyone will treat you with the respect or love you deserve – love anyways
- God hears your prayers
- Life is HARD. God is still good
- Homemade unleavened bread is delicious
- Financial security is both freeing and dangerous
- Change isn’t scary..actually its kind of exciting (hear that everyone? I, Hannah Henderson, am open to change..whaaaat?)
- Adulthood is sort of awesome
- I am an ENFP
- I may or may or may not have been placed at ETCA solely to meet Heather DeVille
- Sometimes your hard work and sacrifice goes unnoticed and unappreciated – work even harder, sacrifice even more
- A little rebellion is a good thing
- Rules are not sovereign
- 1. What my spiritual gifts are 2. How to use them
- God’s timing is hard to wait on
- God’s timing is perfect
- Sometimes there is nothing better than going to bed at 9:00pm
- I am fiercely independent
- I am kind of becoming a writer and its kind of the best thing ever
- Worrying is a waste of time
- Relinquishing control is one of the most freeing feelings
- God is in control
- Singleness is a gift
- God’s spirit is strong in me
I’ve been pushed, I’ve been hard pressed, my patience has been tried, but over the past 9 months God has molded me into someone different than before. Someone who knows how to trust. How to take risks. How to share my heart with others. How to break rules. How to silence the wrong voices in my head on focus on His. How to rejoice in the now instead of longing for the past or dreading the future. How to recognize my spiritual gifts and how to use them. How to be alive. How to breath. How to let go. How to grow. And he did all this without me realizing. What a sneaky and wonderful God!
Last year I was living in Winter. Under cloudiness and rainfall. Using those clouds to block out the sun. But spring is here and I am blooming. I see the sun and it fuels my life. Hope is springing up from this old ground and I am rejoicing!
God’s strength is alive in me, and it is doing amazing things! What once was dull and dead, God has made bright and alive. There are new blooms sprouting within me and it is exciting! For the first time I am welcoming change! I am seeing how my strengths are vital to God’s will instead of how my flaws are a stumbling block. I am refreshed by the faithfulness of a God who calls me to do his work and then prepares me for that work. Never have I felt so empowered, moldable, or full of the spirit. Spring is here and it’s so good fo me.
Because I connect so deeply to music and words I want to leave the lyrics to a song that encapsulates my “Emancipating Spring”
Moving Forward by Colony House (Seriously, check them out)
I found life and I found laughter.
In forgiveness, I found rest.
On the shoulders of redemption,
I found hope when hope was dead.
I could lose it in a moment,
So I dare not close my eyes.
I’ll watch fear fall with the sunset
And see hope rise with the tide.
And when the pain is true,
Sometimes these troubles prove that I’m alive.
My eyes are open,
My heart is beating,
My lungs are full,
And my body’s breathing.
I’m moving forward.
I found my freedom.
I found the life that gave me reason to live.
As this dusty road now settles
And I see what lay before,
Every tear that held a broken dream
Is now shattered on the floor.
And now bursting forth in splendor
Are the blossoms of second tries
Because dreams that bear the mark of love
Are dreams that never die.
Sometimes
Life can feel so unkind.
Sorrow won’t define me
So just reminds my soul.
My soul
My eyes are open,
My heart is beating,
My lungs are full,
And my body’s breathing.
I’m moving forward.
I found my freedom.
I know this sorrow.
I know the heartache.
I know with fear comes a tragic heartbreak.
Well I’m moving forward.
I found my freedom.
I found the life that gave the reason to love.
