My heart and flesh are weak. My heart is sinking further into my chest. My throat feels tight. My eyes are welling up with tears ready to fall down my face. My knees feel weak. My stomach is in knots.
The World Race has a way of ripping you to shreds. Every month we move. Every month we say goodbye to new friends. Every month we leave a place that we called home. You see, while we have not one place to call our own, home to us has become where our rumps are resting. This month three of the women from Team Soturi rested our rumps in a home called Nikki’s Place Agape Home. There we fell in love with babies, children, workers, and volunteers. Sometimes it hurts to love so deeply and so quickly. We spent five days with these people, and leaving today it feels like my heart is being ripped into pieces. I fell in love with a 7 month old.. He had a toothless smile that made my heart melt. He chased me in his walker. And he gave me this look as I left:
When we arrived at Agape, the ladies told us that the children are pretty good about not getting too attached that the goodbyes wreck them. Well, today I very much wish I was the same same. The boy in the next picture stole my heart as well. He suffers from some physical aliments which prevent him from participating in physical activities. I call him Thai Urkle. He is the cutest, sweetest boy. All week we would pick on each other. And sometimes loving him meant just sitting with him and watching other children play. We don’t speak the same language but with how loved I felt by him, I know he felt loved. If I can make him feel seen for but a moment then for that moment I have accomplished enough for a lifetime.
This week I was blessed to sit at the bedside of a woman who is suffering from AIDS and has been on her death bed for two years. Every day she prays that the Lord will take her to be in Heaven. Every day she sits alone in her room. Unable to walk. No one to talk to. Though it may have only been an hour over the week that we spent with her, hearing her laugh and watching her smile touched my heart deeply. My desire in life is for the unseen to feel seen and the elderly to maintain their quality of life up until their last breath.
These last five days were filled. But no longer can I stand. No longer can I stand to love with less than what I have to offer. No longer can I stand to be anything less than I am called to be. No longer can I stand to worry about tomorrow for today is filled with so much joy. No longer can I stand on my own. No longer can I stand to love conditionally.
Even if it breaks my heart, I choose to love with all I am. I am promised an eternity without suffering. An eternity filled with unending joy in the presence of my Savior.
