It’s funny how I find a children’s book title to be so appropriate for my blog. The World Race isn’t anything like I imaged that it would be. My faith has been stretched in new ways. I, as a human, have struggled through so much in just the past month and a half. If you have been keeping up with my blogs then you know that last month I didn’t really feel like the Lord was speaking to me. I got so caught up in trying to hear His voice that I stopped listening and was striving in my own flesh to have a relationship with God.
And the reality is that that didn’t really change until yesterday. The Lord allows us to go through seasons that break us so that He may be glorified. And oh man, did I feel so broken. Amidst my striving I had forgotten to be just be me and be free. The Lord exalts Himself to show mercy to us and yesterday He did just that. (Isaiah 30:18)
I have spent the entirety of my Race trying to figure my life out. Trying to fix all the broken pieces that were being revealed by Gods grace. I was trying to pinpoint specific moments in life that caused callouses and walls in my heart so that I could remove them and walk in healing. I was trying to think my way out of so many things and my thoughts once again, become a vortex of doom. Everything had become about me trying to fix or repair or heal.
I FORGOT THE GOSPEL.
I forgot that it applied to me. I forgot that grace covers my totality. The Lord has been speaking to me through my friend, Karleigh, and something that she keeps saying to me is that we have to choose to live in the Gospel everyday. I have to remind myself that I am fully loved and accepted by the Lord not because of anything I do but because of everything He did. If I can’t grasp how loved I am, how can I tell others how loved they are?
God loves me so much and knows me so deeply that He chose to speak to me through a man who doesn’t even love Him. Last night after a hard day in Nepal, a coffee shop that my squad often goes to was having a night of live music. Two songs that were in his set, the Lord used to speak directly to me. “Please don’t complicate.” “Please don’t over think.” It was like in those two separate moments Jesus had grabbed my face and said, “Hannah, I see you. I hear you. I know you. I am speaking to you. I love you. Stop trying so hard to find me because I am right here in front of your face. I am choosing to use a man who doesn’t fear Me, to show you My love for YOU, Hannah.”
Listen. This moment was thought out in detail by the Creator of this world. By the Savior of my soul. By the one true God!! I can’t even comprehend what happened in that moment. I feel a weight lifted from my shoulders. I feel seen and loved. I feel so humbled and grateful that even in the midst of my mess, Jesus showed up! Louder and stronger than the confusion of my thoughts and the weight of my striving. Man. I am loved.
Even when I can’t figure out whether I’m inside, outside, upside down or all three at once, the Lord meets me there and brings me back to Himself. He will always exalt Himself to show mercy to me. And it is beautiful!
