Learning to trust and have faith is both hard and scary. The common theme is you have NO control.
I keep on becoming disappointed in myself the past couple months and even now. It seems like God keeps proving Himself to me and I go “Yeah, that’s great God….but now what about this thing I am worried about?”
It’s both frustrating and interesting. It’s frustrating because I wish I could just have that amazing faith over night as I get disappointed in myself over the lack of faith. It’s interesting because I know it’s a human thing and God, somehow, is still faithful.
But I mean, how do you trust an absolute supreme being you have never physically met. However, as I am thinking about it…maybe it is more beautiful that we get to meet God through people, the still moments, a sunset, through a Bible passage… We get to know God on the many complicated levels that is God. Maybe it helps us prevent putting God in a box and help us see who God is in a way our human understanding will understand at least tiny bit of who He is.
Either way, I would like to write about some updates that have both been exciting and also scary.
For awhile I was (and still am some) very nervous that all the little details that need to come together won’t. Thankfully though, I had this feeling sweep over me one day and I just felt ready. Even though I wasn’t logistically ready yet, mentally I feel ready.
All the little things are coming into short order. Thankfully. Shots and doctors appointments are working out, sent out bunch of thank you letters to my supporters, my shopping list for my packing list (*hint I like lists) is getting things crossed off.
Here are some other big things that are getting done which means a huge weight off my chest.
Due to a very dear family that I’m close to, their church is donating $1,000 which is a HUGE blessing. I am trying to be fully funded by the time I leave and even though my blog doesn’t show it, I am actually close to only $1500 to $2000 left to raise. It is ironic because with my goal in mind, I was debating whether I should donate $1,000 of my own money or not. I was wondering though: Is this me trying to take control or is this still God working since I’m blessed to have the money. And…shortly after $1,000 comes in. It has been very neat to watch how God has been working so differently or similarly in the lives of my squad mates between fundraising and other life-things. He meets us differently because we are all different.
The other big blessing: I got my visa to India!
Then I had another dear friend donate a large amount.
Another blessing but change nonetheless is one of my teammates has switched to a later route in October due to some life things. Then some other squad mates from other teams sadly also had to switch out routes. So now, we have two new girls on our team! I am excited to have Annagrace and Saraya on our team.
Shortly after the last two blessings, though, I found out I had missed an email from November 2 that contained online training sessions for this trip.
I went from being super excited to nervous and frustrated. I go from God is doing some great things to what am I going to do? I have more peace about it now and will make them up, but it is interesting how fast our mental peace can change.
So I could definitely use some prayers. Prayers for our new team, for the little things to fall into place, etc.
But honestly, for more faith. I go from “God thank you for this cool thing you did” to having a heavy weight on my chest. One moment I am thankful and the next worried. I go from partially trusting to being again…worried. I’m sure most people feel this way, but it’s still frustrating.
I know it’s a human thing, but it’s something I want to work on. And I am sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt, He will increase my faith on this coming adventure.
