Here’s an honest blog about how I see God is growing me.
There were times even in Vietnam I wondered how God was growing me. I could feel like He was, but I just couldn’t see it.
One thing is for certain, He did show me areas I needed to grow. He has shown me that I found my core/center of my identity in the wrong place (i.e. being a leader and in other places), that I have trouble being bold in saying what I needed and being confident in who I am around dominant people, I struggle with trusting God and being intimate with Him and I struggle with having peace and rest. These are just a couple to name a few. But I knew that if I worked on finding my identity in God that the other things would follow with that.
Then in Thailand when I was already overwhelmed and struggling, I got really discouraged because I questioned myself, “Have I grown and have I made a difference?” And I couldn’t see that I had. However, I had one night I was really struggling and overwhelmed so I said, “Fine! I will journal!” It began with me writing angrily to God, but soon I calmed down and I had a REALLY big epiphany. I have known that I am hard on myself because I want to be good enough (and not good enough in meeting a line, but just being in a healthy place but never knowing what that meant). That night I realized I compare myself to others as a tool to see where I should be. Which obviously is a really, really bad idea since I am the only person like me. I, Hannah Gund, am the only person with my story, dreams, struggles, thoughts, etc. Thankfully that 2 hour journal session had some fruit.
My team then went into Albania and we partnered with another team (Relentless) in ministry. I was still struggling that first week and a half and just felt off, but thankfully I had a weekend where I got to just chill and fill up and it did my heart so much good. But I still felt off.
A couple days later I was starving at 10 pm so I grabbed my friend Kiersten (Kiki) from Relentless to eat. That night I shared with her my struggle of feeling off and also this restless feeling I had because I saw people on our squad having these great spiritual disciplines–and I didn’t! I had another mini-epiphany that night that I was again comparing myself and it was stealing my peace. Of course I didn’t have spiritual disciplines these people had–I wasn’t them! It may sound silly, but it again brought freedom to me.
Then the last night we were in Albania I grabbed my last suflaque (basically a gyro) with my friend Krystal who is a raised up SQL. At first we were just chatting, but then we dove in and had a great heart-to-heart conversation I so badly needed. I just expressed to her my frustration of the past couple months of not feeling like I had been growing or was making a difference (which she bluntly told me was not true), I expressed thoughts and lies I had been struggling with, and laughed at myself. I just got to “debrief” with her the past couple months. I also told her I loved who I was, I’m just not confident in who I am. But the conversation was exactly what I needed.
The ironic thing is after that conversation, we had debrief where our squad is able to come together, debrief what has been going on, etc. During this time, God opened my eyes to see how the challenges He put before me and things I was wrestling with actually is growing me. In fact, in Thailand I told God I needed Him to parent me and teach me, but I didn’t know what that meant. I think He “blinded” me from the growth I was experiencing so I wouldn’t get in the way.
And it is just so exciting! I still have a LOT of growth (but we always do), but I have come a really good distance. I have become more confident in who I am because I know who I am and I don’t need to compare myself. My identity is growing more and more of what God thinks of me and being more confident of trusting myself and hearing His voice. I also have experienced growth in understanding more of what rest and peace in Him are. Which, again becomes easier when you find your identity in God. But with peace and rest, it comes not from the situation, but being able to rest in God and what He thinks of you in any situation whether you are in a peaceful environment or not. It is a state of being. You may feel peace in moments, but when it is consistent–that is a great thing!
So pray that growth in these and other areas continue.
