I don’t even know how to put into words the experience I had at training camp. It was by far the hardest and best week of my entire life. I was pushed to the absolute limit both physically and spiritually and honestly I grew SO much throughout my ten days there. It would take me forever to write about all the crazy things that happend while at camp, but I would like to share with you one of the things God did in my heart while I was there.
One of the things we are encouraged to do at camp is to have quiet time with the Lord. I have always loved my one on one time with Jesus, but have always struggled with really listening to Him, so I decided early on that quiet time was one thing I really wanted to improve on during camp. On my second day of camp I prayed for the Lord to speak to my heart whatever it was I needed to hear that week, and the Lord whispered sweetly: “ I delight in you.”
I was super confused why he was telling me that, because I already knew how much he loved me, but I wrote it down in my journal anyway and just kind of shrugged it off as a nice little reminder from Him. The next day, our talk was about past hurts and owning our pain. I loved the message because I remembered how much freedom I had found in getting my hurt out into the light and laying them at the foot of the cross. I saw the message as a friendly reminder and nothing more. After all, I was done going through the healing process, and wasn’t harboring any hurt…. I was totally fine…. Right?? Wrong.
After that session we were released to have our quiet time with the Lord. I started my time of by praying the same prayer as the day before: “ Father please speak to my heart anything you need me to hear. Open the eyes of my heart to see whatever it is that could be holding me back from furthering my relationship with you”.
I opened my bible and the first thing I read is this:
“He rescued me because He DELIGHTED in me.”
Alright, so obviously there’s a theme going here. I wracked my brain for a minute and searched my heart for reason why he kept giving me this message. I thought “ God I KNOW you love me, why do you keep wanting me to hear this?” And in that moment, my Father spoke to me:
“ You cant accept my love, because you don’t feel like you deserve it. You constantly feel like you have to earn my affection, but Hannah I am giving it to you freely and begging you to take it.”
I realized in that moment, that although I had known in my head that I was loved, my heart still was held back by the chains of my past. I had accepted the lie that because I had messed up so much in the past, that I would forever have to make up for lost time. You see, I knew that my Father loved me, but I didn’t think He liked me. In the back of my mind I had decided that out of all of Gods children I was the least liked. He obviously just loved me because He had to, not because He wanted to. I had the mentality that I would constantly be having to impress God, and this insecurity had been keeping me from living freely in the Father’s love.
But,God made two things VERY clear to me that day:
1.I am not a slave to my past. I am a child of God.
2.He doesn’t just love me, He DELIGHTS in me! He loves when I sing to him. He loves when I make stupid jokes( in fact, He thinks I’m hilarious). He loves when I talk to him. He loves when I laugh. He loves when I pour out my heart to him at 3 a.m. He loves me. And not because He has to. And not because of anything I’ve done to try and earn his affection. No. He loves me because I am His. He loves me because I am His child and I was made in His image, and because He is a good, good father.
Those ten days in Gainsville totally and completely wrecked me for the better. I feel ready now(well,as ready as I’ll ever be) to embark on this adventure and share the good news of God’s amazing love that has forever changed my life, to world. Please pray for my team and I as we prepare our hearts to launch in just 3 weeks!
Much love to all of ya!
Hannah
