Okay, so here we go. I’ve known I’ve needed to sit down and journal for a long while. As I got here to Victoria Falls I’ve started to realize some new things.
Mainly, I’m tired. I am so tired. I don’t know why I didn’t fully realize it while I was in ministry, but stepping out of living at the center there are different waves of emotion that started to come over me. I’m not sure I even know how I finished the month without breaking. I can only say it was by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Half way through the month I could tell that something wasn’t quite right. I’m sure it was my neglect of spending ample time with God, when really it should never truly stop. At the beginning of the month I made such a point of asking for prayer that my team and I would not try to conquer this month on our own strength.
So why did I keep trying to do so? For being so insanely aware of the need, I never actually made the practical changes.
I remember having the desire at the beginning of the month to give 100% to this ministry. I didn’t. Why was I holding back?
Earlier this month we went to a worship time another team nearby put on. It came up while I was there that something is blocking me. That is so vague, but I can feel it! Something is in the way. I don’t know if it’s the enemy. I don’t know if it’s an agreement I made. I don’t know if it’s me, or a sin issue… I honestly don’t know why I feel the way that I do.
Far from being tired emotionally and spiritually, I don’t think I can even pinpoint the emotions waving through my body.
I know that we made an impact this month. I know that we loved well. I know that my team grew. I know I didn’t give it my all, but God still used me.
I feel like at this point, about to hit the half way point, I would know what I’m doing. I would know how to get over these humps and fulfill the expectations…but I can’t. I never will. I have an unconscious understanding that it will forever be a learning process. Heck, that’s what I tell people discourage about following the Lord. It’s not automatic, it’s a learning process.
So why do I keep trying to do it on my own strength? Why do I continue to forget that the joy of the Lord is my strength?
I’m tired. I want to be filled and I keep searching outside of God to fill it. Even coming to mini debrief, I put off opening my journal and processing this. I didn’t want to think about it. These kids impacted me. I try to process the empathy I have for their lives and hardships the world has thrown their direction. I let it emotionally drain me. Its plain and simple, they impacted me.
All I can think of is being at the worship night and fervently shouting,
“You are GOOD, You are GOOD!” as pictures of the women and children flashed through my mind. I don’t think I realized how much the people around me impact my life. I love those girls so much. I love giving them hugs, pushing their buttons, assuring them in their beauty and purpose, and just watching them open up to us.
As Thando shared her story and just looked at us with eyes hoping we would understand and love her.
Lord, how do I become refilled? After going and pushing and loving more than I was putting into myself all month, how do I recover?
Lord, all I want is to not feel empty, I think that’s why I feel tired. Everything I had this month was invested in the relationships I built. Lord, you see my heart, you see all the intent behind my actions and my words, especially how passionate I am about you. Lord, why else do I feel blocked, empty and dry? I feel like everything has been slowly sucked out of me this month. I feel like this is just a different kind of pain I have not experienced. What do I do with it? It’s like guilt and loss, and joy, but also just a complete ache. I don’t know how to truly identify it.
[Give it to me]
I think I have, though.
How do I give up something I think I’ve already given? How do I fill myself?
[YOU don’t]
What do you mean, I don’t?
That’s all I’ve been praying about and for! All about filling this tiredness and aching. How do I remember everything about this month and not feel that ache?
[It’s good to feel it]
I don’t understand. How do I stand ready for the next month and not shrivel into something unrecognizable. Lord, what do you want?
[Let me fill you]
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This is a journal entry of mine over the last week. As a squad we were challenged to share something vulnerable, and that journals are a great way to do so.
This photo is from the beauty for ashes event we put on last month for the women at the center. It brought up a lot of their stories and their hardships. It was part of what Im processing above. It was really beautiful to see a lot of them put things they have been holding on to on the cross.
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We have just arrived in Zambia and are working with YWAM in Livingstone. Team Clutch will be doing door to door evangelism this month and sharing the good news of Jesus Christ! I am excited for all the challenges this month!
