Roofs.
The top, the cover, the shelter.
There is something about a roof that seems like it brings you closer to heaven, or at least the clouds.
At the beginning of this month I dedicated a chunk of time to asking God what he wanted for this month. One thing he asked for was my free time.
This month has been comfortable. We are in the city. We have gotten to go to malls, drink good coffee, and take hot showers. We have Wi-Fi, air conditioning, and beds. Needless to say, my free time has been focused on things he didn’t asked me to focus on.
The blinding thing is that I have had consistent quiet times, reading the word, and journaling prayers. Why did I need to spend the time I want to take watching a cheesy Christmas movie and invest it in my relationship with Christ? That sounds like a dumb question, but I made that excuse! I have been making the excuse to deny what he asked for because I have been giving him “enough” time on the regular. I’ve been building into people. I’ve gotten to have some incredible conversations about Jesus. I’ve built bonds with people. I know that those fruits would not come if I wasn’t being filled and wasn’t taking the opportunities he has laid in front of me.
So what’s the issue?
That is not what he asked of me; it’s not about staying the same, it’s about growing. He wanted me to take the time to listen intently, and to know him more intimately.
Tonight we had a team time that started out less than stellar. Through the conversation, we ended up taking the plunge into going on the roof and praying it out. We needed to come before the Lord, together.
I struggled with this. God had been telling me to come to him all month, and I had.. a little. I had given him the moments I believed I could spare in my busy schedule of ministry and free time. I hadn’t spent time intently listening to his voice as I had practiced in previous months. I had valued my time to myself more that the time spent with my savior, and it was a harsh realization.
As I stood there in the rain, my team praying honestly and openly to our savior, I heard him tell me to come. I realized what I had been doing the last 18 days, only giving to him what I decided he could have.
Hannah, Come, spend time with me. I need to show you something.
We prayed for a while longer, and I wandered to the other side of the roof, waiting for everyone to leave so I could talk to him. I did have some great conversations and prayers with team members in that time, which was something that needed to happen too, but eventually everyone left.
And I was there.
Soaking wet.
In the rain.
On the roof.
I could feel it in my soul that there was something he had been trying to reveal to me for a long time.
I danced, something I haven’t ever done for the Lord. I danced to the rain and the traffic below. When I stopped, I was looking at the ledge bordering the roof. It was tall and sturdy and wide.
He said climb.
Sit there.
Dangle your legs over the edge and look out.
I wanted to, but I hesitated. I’m not the most graceful person. I could fall.
I paced the roof and continued to look at the ledge.
Hannah, sit there
Eh, I don’t know…What if I just look out really far. I grabbed the random desk in the middle of the roof and kneeled on it, leaning further over and looking out.
No, that’s not good enough. Keep going.
My heart started to pound as I sat on the ledge and slowly let one leg and then the other dangle over the edge of the roof.
Hannah, This is where I want you
…okay. I’m confused.
I want you on the edge
Haha, yeah I’m here.
All the time
…
Feel the ledge under you, you know its there, you know its solid, you know it will not fail, and it will not fall. Now look out. You can see everything, or at least it seems that way. I want you on the edge, in the uncomfortable.
Well I am for sure uncomfortable.
You can feel the solidity of the building, you take notice in it. You are relying on it to conquer the fear of sitting here. Could you feel it as clearly, or were as aware of it as you were standing in the center and looking out? You are comfortable, all the time. I want you to choose the opposite. I want to show you so much, but you have to choose to make the space. None of this was meant to be comfortable. When you are uncomfortable, you will KNOW that I am behind (or below) you, as you know the unshakable ledge is there.
There was a lot more to our conversation about my identity, believing I am loved and desired by my team, being made new, and being able to hold fast to the following choice.
Tonight I made a commitment to be uncomfortable to the best of my ability. I’m not exactly sure what that looks like, spiritual, emotional, physical, but I know God has asked me to live my life in that space.
Here is a reminder for myself and others that I agreed to say yes to God. Whether that means sitting in a closet with women who were strangers, or scraping paint off elevators. Whether that means cleaning floors in a hostel, or serving coffee. Whether that means teaching preschoolers, or lesson planning for high school. Be uncomfortable. Make the choice to have those conversations, ask those questions, go to those places, and say yes to things you wouldn’t have before. He told me personally today that that is where he wants me. And if he wants me there, he probably wants you there too.
