Just by looking at the title I’m sure you can see that this will be a jumbled blog. I tried to think of a way to split this thing up, to organize, to be concise and to the point, but I can’t. In reality, I am jumbled this month. Distracted, conflicted, even upside down at times. So, instead of trying to fit my thoughts into a format that in the end changes my real feelings, I’ll just go with this.
Riding on an elephant isn’t something you do everyday. When you do get a chance to feed, take pictures with, and ultimately climb onto a giant mammal, you’ll probably take that chance even if it costs $25. Most everything about this month screams TOURIST. There are white people (farangs now, no longer mzungus!) everywhere: on the sidewalks, in the restaurants, at the market. This is so different than Africa where we pretty much stayed at home, church, or our ministry site each day. Now there’s freedom in our hours off to go and explore, shop for souvenirs, see the wildlife and scenery. There are places to go and pet tigers, boxing rings to watch Muay Thai fighters, street vendors selling fried insects, massage parlors and nail salons, Thai cooking schools and anything else to consume your time (and money).
I’ve tried a few of these things: a fish pedicure, then a real pedicure to actually take those calluses away, a back massage that made me feel like I needed to go to the chiropractor afterward, an elephant ride complete with lunch and a 1 hour bamboo raft ride down the river. All of those things combined were no more than $40. This helps me to justify spending money because back home it would cost so much! I have been shopping to find new clothes since everything I own either now has pit stains, holes or both. I got what I needed and then some more. But that shirt was originally $52 and now it’s $5! I would never buy that back home.
Looking back, I am ashamed at the way I’ve let myself be distracted here. Not to say that I have been fighting any less for ministry, but personally it’s disappointing to see how quickly I’ve forsaken the simple life. The hot shower, bed with a real mattress and fan at night are now taken for granted. Sometimes I find myself longing for next month where we’ll be isolated in the middle of nowhere to do manual labor. There will be no chicken tender/spring roll lady with her cart down the road, no banana smoothie available on every corner. This month in Thailand gave me a little hint into what coming home will look like. Yes, I’ll be happy to see people (and my Mom’s home cooking), but there is so much I don’t want to see, don’t want to come back to.
I have no cell phone on the Race and some months we’ve had to make an effort (a 30 minute walk or more) to find internet. At home these technological luxuries will be at my fingertips 24/7. Here if I want to watch a movie it’s from a limited selection on my laptop and after looking at the list I really have no desire to see one anymore. At home I will be bombarded with TV channels and the availability of new movies. I was just looking for a theater in Malaysia so I could catch a viewing of The Hunger Games for my birthday at the end of the month. More than likely, it will be an awaited surprise on DVD when I reach North Carolina in a few months.
All of these things seem like gifts, comforts, but they weigh on my heart now as dangerous distractions. I don’t like how I’ve handled this month, going out to spend money on whatever new foods and touristy things I want because – hey, how often will I be in Thailand? Sometimes when I look at that pointless souvenir or another cute pair of earrings at the store I hear my teammate Ben’s prayers for us as women…my team, Deeper Roots, takes time after each feedback session for the men to pray for the women and the other way around. Ben intercedes for us and often prays: Let the things of the world become boring to them. Let them not even desire anything that is not of You, Lord. Sometimes after I make it halfway into a movie and get bored, I think: Thanks a lot Ben, then I just smile because I know it’s what I really want, what I really need…to spend time in things that matter. That’s why I quit reading Harry Potter on the field, because he’s too distracting and time consuming. I think you get where I’m at on the whole touristy/earthy possessions thing now, so I’ll move on to exercise…
As you’ve probably picked up from previous blogs, the African diet is a bit different from what I’m used to. It consists of potatoes, bread, potatoes in a different form, bread in a different form, beans, and potatoes. I gained back quite a few pounds in Africa and had hope of losing some here in Thailand…then I found out we’re on our own for food as we scavenge through the street vendors and markets each day for every meal. There are 7-Elevens and some small “grocery stores”, but mostly it’s street food.
As I was thinking about the time left, it’s about 95 days or something like that, and I was able to pick up the rest of the P90X videos from one of my teammates. Sweet, I’ll do P90X and be done by the time we reach America. I even went to the sports store in the mall for a resistance band (weights don’t pack too well). After the first use, Steph and I busted two out of three of them. It was actually quite comical. Maybe they have a refund or exchange policy, but it’s unlikely. It’s funny, but I’ve worked out more on the Race than I have in a while back home. I like the discipline and consistency of it and when I skip a workout I feel responsible to make sure I do something the next day. Steph has been a consistent factor in my exercising since we joined the same team Month 4. I pray that the Lord will keep me motivated or send another workout partner in June.
Deeper Roots ladies after a 5k
I think one of the reasons that exercise is fresh on my mind here is the amount of pressure to look good. We were encouraged not to “dress like a missionary” here as we go to bar ministry. Well, crap. Have you seen my wardrobe? Long black skirt with a hole, faded shirt with paint stains from a previous ministry, Chaco sandals and my hair in a braid. Maybe I should just go into the bar, order grape juice and bring out my own crackers for communion. It’s true, I did need a bit of a change so as not to look too obvious.
Even the conversations with the bar girls swarm with the topics of beauty, makeup, weight, age, relationships and love. What else would they talk about when they spend all of their time in the bar or with the men who pay to take them home? No wonder some of them choose to not eat or later vomit what they’ve just ingested… nobody wants a fat girl. No wonder they wear the fancy earrings and scandalous fishnet tights, it’s what their customers buy for them; what the men say looks beautiful. The enemy has completely distorted the definition of beauty. He has stolen the happiness and beauty from this place and replaced it with cheap imitations that always leave those interested in broken, lonely pieces.
As I try to exercise and stay healthy, I have to remind myself of my motivations. I need to take care of this body so I can keep going, climbing ridiculous Rwandan hills or walking across town to bars to tell people about Jesus. What if that was always my motivation? Not to lose weight to fit into a certain size or style of clothing, but simply to be healthy instead of being distracted from things that really do matter because of problems with my health.
Now for the last bit of the story: entering the Enemy’s territory. I know this has lots to do with my mood, health, mind, etc. this month. Most of my teammates just feel “weird” here in Thailand. There are days when we are sick with headaches or stomach pains; I felt nauseous yesterday when I woke up. It can be hard to focus to pray or have a desire to read the Word. When we enter a certain bar there is such a heavy feeling of darkness some days.
I have never felt as much opposition as now. It is clear that spiritual warfare is a much bigger deal than most people believe. Several people have not been sleeping and many have had nightmares these past few days. One girl dreamed that demons surrounded our house and were reaching in the windows, yet they were not allowed to touch us. BUT, this darkness does not go unopposed. Three other teammates got visions of white everywhere, great tall angels surrounding us as we walked and ministered on bar street. Praise the Lord for his strength and protection!
Still, there is great darkness here, manifested all around us in the broken and lonely men who pay for women to be with them and in the bar girls who loathe their jobs yet think there is no way out. Satan has been in this territory for far to long. He has planted lies, despair, lust, shame and emptiness in the hearts of everyone here, leaving them hopeless and depressed. There may be loud music, laughter, dancing all around, but the place has been sucked dry of joy, peace, satisfaction.
This is why we go to war. There’s no pretending that Satan can be wiped out by simply going into a bar to order a Coke and weakly smile at a few people. This is all out WAR on evil itself. We fight for the girls, the bars, the men, in our times of intercessory prayer. We sing songs of victory, proclaiming Jesus as the Lord of this place, the King over this territory. We tell Satan that he has NO power here and that the time is up, he can move out. We pray that the bars would be empty, go out of business as the Lord provides other work for its employees. There is also opposition in the fact that our friend, Rika, now has the attention of the bar manager most nights. He knows that we come to see her, that we’re her only real friends and that we are unlike other customers. He sits across the room but I can feel the intensity of his glare. We pray for him as well. The Lord wants to redeem his life, as well as Rika’s.
With Rika after a breakfast date
Steph, Rika and me after open mic night
We pray and the Lord answers. After focusing on certain bars and certain people, the Lord makes opportunities to spread his glory. Party places and popular hangouts have gone from wild to mild in a matter of one week. Girls who have been constantly surrounded by customers are now alone to have a conversation or play a game of pool. Men who sit around a table covered with empty glasses take time to pour out their stories to us.
This whole month has been a complete whirlwind. At times I have to remind myself I’m on the Race because it’s so much like the comfortable atmosphere of America. Other times, I’m thankful to be here in the battle; to be able to fight for these people who so desperately need the True Love in a place that reeks of despicable lies about what love is.
