Since coming to CGA, I’ve had amazing people pouring Truth and Life into me every single day. So much so, that I got so overwhelmed with all of it. For so long I’ve been functioning out of an unhealthy place. I’ve grown so much in the past year that I began to put ridiculous expectations on what my life should look like. It’s as if I forgot all the freedom I had discovered.
Coming into the Adventures community didn’t help much. Everyday I am surrounded by amazing people who seem to be doing it all right. I know none of us has it all together, but the expectations I placed on myself where compounded by the standard I felt like I needed to uphold.
During our first week, The Lord spoke to me about the standards I was holding myself to… and how they were causing unnecessary stress and turning me to a place of trying to earn His love. In that moment I surrendered my expectations and asked the Lord to lead me into a place of dependence, intimacy, and simply BEING with Him.
The following week we talked about identity. A topic I’ve heard so much about, but I’ve never allowed to fully inhabit my life. Our leader began to list the characteristics of a person who operates out of a “Slave mentality” and one who operates out of their true identity as a Son or Daughter of God. And as he read the list I realized I was acting like a slave and still struggling to see my worth. The Lord did some major work that day. But even so, as time went on, I once again returned to trying to earn my Daughtership. And I started to run myself into the ground.
Yesterday I reached a breaking point.
“I’m overwhelmed.
My head is spinning.
I feel like I’m not doing enough.
And then I feel like I’m trying too hard.
I don’t really feel capable of this
I don’t always feel like I belong here.
At times, I feel like I’m pretending.
You say, “That’s you’re orphan spirit, you need to root your identity in Christ.”
I say, “I know.” and then I just put more pressure on myself. To do the right things. To say the right things. To think the right things. There’s a wall up somewhere and I can’t scale it because I can’t find it. I know the right words to say… but there’s a blockage somewhere that’s keeping me tied up. “
I was so overwhelmed.
And every time I said that I heard the Lord say, “I overwhelm the overwhelming.”
It’s something He said awhile ago and keeps repeating.
And I realized, this time is about learning to find peace when your world is being rocked. It’s being rocked in a good way. These are all things I need to learn. But if I allow myself to become overwhelmed by it all, I will return to a works-based love.
The Lord gave me a word for myself awhile ago. At the time it didn’t seem all that relevant. But as my eyes fell on it last night, I knew it was for that exact moment. He addressed me right there when I was so overwhelmed.
“You can find me anywhere. Even in the chaos and the noise.
When with all that is going on, your head begins to spin.
You’re tired. You’re confused. You can’t keep up.
I’m there.
Close your eyes. Breathe deep my peace. It’s there.
Allow my peace to overwhelm the overwhelming.
Make room for me in your day. Stop. Listen. Breathe.”
So today, I’ll do just that. ”Stop. Listen. Breathe.”
Every day is a new day to allow Him to overwhelm the overwhelming.
