This is a story of the night I fought the Holy Spirit.
Let me preface by stating the obvious… I lost.
Going into training camp I knew that “these people” believed in all that “crazy, charismatic stuff.” I told myself that I believe in God’s power.. I believe we can never fully understand His greatness and majesty. But really, all this “being filled with the Holy Spirit” stuff was a little out there… and anyone that dances around like crazy and speaks in tongues is simply experiencing an emotional high or faking it.
So the night I was anticipating came. The speaker talked about “The Role of the Holy Spirit.”
Here we go, right?
But as he began to describe his first encounter with the filling of the Holy Spirit, I felt a longing… an excitement for the things he described. For years I’ve desired an intimate, passionate relationship with God. But there was always something holding me back. What could it be? I found myself repeatedly praying that I was “sick of praying for more.” Because I would pray for more and then fall right back into the same relationship.
Ignoring God…
Forgetting God…
Reading the Word out of duty…
I realized what I was lacking was intimacy.
My relationship with God felt hollow..
Then the speaker invited us to pray for the Holy Spirit to fill us.
I was skeptical.
My entire body was filled with nervous energy.
But what did I have to lose?
I began to pray… “God, I’m scared. So scared. But I want more of you. I don’t know about this…. but fill me.” And at the moment I was filled with assurance that He would. I stood completely still. My face in my hands, praying, “Please God… Please.”
After some time, I felt my hand begin to twitch. But my first thought was, “No.. my hand’s just tired from how I’m sitting.” Then it began to shake. And no matter how hard I tried… I couldn’t stop it.
It shook harder.
And harder.
Then my leg began to shake.
Our speaker, Ron, told us that from his experience this happens when God is try to teach us that He is in control.
As I shook I was thinking, is this it?
People came to pray over me words of release and I began to sob. My knees buckled beneath me and I just cried for awhile… then it started. My jaw began to twitch and move…
And then I spoke in tongues.
Me? Really?
But I didn’t want to believe it.
I couldn’t believe it.
I fought.. hard. I was trying to say “No. No. No.”
But I couldn’t stop it.
I kept fighting it.. but I then began to shake uncontrollably.
So I just let go… And through sobs, I spoke.
Though I tried to speak english words.. they came out in tongues.
Eventually I tried to stand up but my knees would only buckle beneath me.
The final time I stood and began to jump. I heard an audible voice in my head.. “Dance for me, child.”
And I danced.. like I’d never danced before.
As I think back to that night it still doesn’t seem real.
But I feel a freedom I never have before. I feel an intimacy with my Father. I feel passion. I feel joy.
I am free.
Praise the Lord, I am free.
I don’t understand, but I believe.
