Chaos- a state of utter confusion or disorder; a total lack of organization or order.
That sums up Haiti-complete and utter chaos. Every time I walk out of our house I am suddenly surrounded by young vendors screaming “Hey you” and trying to summon me over to buy their gluten filled cookies and sodas, by trash piles that line the pot hole filled “streets”, by cars weaving, dodging, and honking on the unmarked roads, trying to speed their way around other cars and pedestrians, and by tents and huts that serve as temporary homes to the earthquake and hurricane victims.
When we first arrived to Haiti, the confusion stressed me out. I immediately wanted to bring order and structure to this country, which is the complete opposite of my everyday life. I normally love and embrace craziness and commotion but this was too much. I wanted to pave their roads and draw yellow dotted lines on each of them and go around picking up each piece of trash that was strewn about. I wanted to clothe the naked children and put those young vendors in school where they should be. I was telling this to another team leader on my squad Jacquie, and she just laughed and said “I love the chaos and confusion! I see Jesus in every piece of trash and in every hole in the road. It’s beautiful.” That’s when I started seeing Haiti in a whole new light. I started feeling peace and serenity in the chaos. And I began to see Jesus’ love and joy in every smile I received and every “Bonjour!” that was spoken to me.
Then our house got broken into. While we were sleeping.
Thieves had walked into our rooms, unplugged our computers and cameras, grabbed our purses, and left without looking back as we slept on. When I awoke in the morning to our teams frantic and confused, searching around for their things and then having the realization hit them that they would not be able to find their things because they had been stripped from us, I surprisingly felt peace. I felt Jesus’ presence dwell on me and I began making phone calls to our host family and translators and squad leaders, all the while feeling Jesus leading and guiding me on what to do next.
And then the anger came. The invasion of privacy and the fear and confusion of why this had to happen. Walking down the street that day I couldn’t say hello to anyone or look them in the eyes because all I could think was “Were they the one? Were they the one that came and grabbed a computer from my teammate’s bed that he was sleeping in? Were they the one that stole my fellow team leader’s passport?” I felt the enemy fuel that anger and hatred and speak lies into my ears and whisper “Look at what these people have done to you. You came here to help them and this is how they repay you.”
Then Jesus whispered “find peace in the chaos, my love. Love the people who stole from you. Love them as I do.” And it hit me that I had just preached on forgiveness two nights ago. Forgiveness of others and forgiveness of yourself. So with the overflowing love and support of our teams, host families, Haitian pastors and friends, I forgive the people who stole from my home. And I forgive myself for hating them for a little while.
Through Jesus’ help I was able to find Peace in the chaos.
