Written at Training Camp:
Initially, I thought my grief was concerned with all the past hurts, but there was a gentle voice telling me it is more specific than that. The morning after camping out, I was having quiet time just looking out onto the lake. The fog had settled and was hovering over the water. As I was looking out on the lake, an intense quiet settled over me. I heard the Lord say, "Peace. Watch because I am about to move around you." Right now I am praying over that and watching to see if that holds true; whether or not it was the Lord or me.
I also think that speaks to what others have said to me about this grief taking time; that the healing process will last longer than one night. Another voice that started to grow in me as I looked on the water was just clarification of my grief. I am not supposed to be grieving the suffering I have experienced in my life simply because I already have. The lie/hurt which has held me captive for so long is the oppression I felt in the church. I jokingly, but seriously have said for awhile that I have never felt more oppressed than in the body of Christ. I have realized that this is the hurt I am supposed to be grieving. Because of good-intentioned, church-going people I felt like a bird in a cage waiting to be set free; a bird on a tree branch trying to fly.
This has been a hard week for me, but so many people have spoken words of truth into my life. I am rediscovering that God loves me because I am a woman, not inspite of my womanhood. I am His daughter, His beloved. My words have value. The Lord, my Papa, my Beloved, is setting me FREE!!
Just think what God can do through me for the kingdom as a free woman!
~An excerpt from the last part of my journal
