Since coming on the Race I will admit I have been self-conscious at times of how my relationship with Jesus looks different than most peoples’ relationship who I am traveling with. I am not prone to jumping or shouting, instead I am more contemplative. I believed that the people I am living/traveling with will see my relationship with God as still needing work because it does not look the same as theirs. I actually thought that they would say I need to “do” x or y to have a mature relationship with God.
God has really been speaking into this recently. While on a prayer walk we had during worship, a guy on my squad said that the Lord really wants me to understand how our relationship is special and it doesn’t need to look like anyone else’s. The next night at worship everyone was reallly expressive and our leaders truly felt like people in the room were holding back. I was having the best time though just sitting on the floor. God was just reaffirming me that He can use my mind and I do not have to be as expressive as everyone else. God created my mind, therefore it is good.
I debate whether or not I will go back to America and pursue graduate school. A big part of me is afraid that if I do it will take away all the wonder of the Bible and I will lose my faith. During worship that night, I told God I would go back to school if God could promise me I wouldn’t lose my faith. Seems like a weird thing to make God promise, right? At the end of this year I will definitely evaluate where I am and decide whether or not to go back to school. At first I resisted God because I was not the smartest in my class, even though I was very capable. I really felt the Lord say I was created like that so I could be relational as well. On the Race I am learning how to balance academics/logic and relationality. The first three months have been pretty hard because I didn’t know how to balance them, but slowly by slowly I am finding little ways to enact both daily.
