If I’m being honest, right now I’m tired. I’m tired of the dumping of a cup of water being the water pressure that’s supposed to wash my body. I’m tired of fighting with my sleeping bag and rolling off of my 18 inch wide sleeping pad in the middle of the night. I’m tired of telling people to be places on time when they were given the same schedule I was. I’m tired of having to be the example and the one who is told so often, “You have it all together”. I’m tired of not being able to choose what I eat for every meal. I’m tired of bugs swarming my body and waking up to yet another spider bite. I’m tired of having to recover from travel days… I mean travel weeks. I’m tired of the word “reconnecting…” that I see the moment FaceTime connects. I’m tired of not getting hugs from my parents. I’m tired of blogging and updating people on my life and what I’m doing in each country. If I’m being honest, right now I’m tired of… being a missionary.
As I lay on my 1.5 inch thick sleeping pad – month 4 – all I can think about is I have 7 more months of this. I’m not even half way to the finish line. It all seemed quite dandy when I signed up for this shindig… but then there is the fact that I just killed a spider that was crawling on my arm makes me just want to be home in my own bed.
Let’s stop right there. Are these real feelings? Yes… shoot this is real life. Do I want to order a pizza right now at 11:44pm? Yes… with extra cheese and garlic sauce. Do I want to go home and play with my puppy? Yes… every freakin’ day. Am I going to push though and finish the race? No question… absolutely.
These feelings that I am having are okay. I may not voice all of these feelings to people, but that’s okay, too.
The World Race has taught me the word “vulnerability”. I used to absolutely hate this word. It meant that I had to open up and share the struggles that I have been through, what I’m still going through, how I handle those struggles now and moving forward, cry cry cry, and maybe laugh. Vulnerability? I’m not a fan, no thank you.
However, I’ve learned the beauty of this word. Vulnerability is when God shows off. I get to share how many times I’ve messed up, and how God not only extended grace, but took my hand and walked me through His tender healing process. Do I still hate the word? Yes, but I’m now able to tune my ears to hear the redemption story that God gives through it, while also train my eyes to see where to come alongside that person as they walk in and towards freedom.
I could complain all day, trust me, ask anyone who has ever worked me out or trained with me. But God has shown me the bigger picture. I gave this year of my life to God… to grow deeper and to serve. I knew it was going to be hard and I knew I was going to have tough days. However, I look back on these past 4 months and begin to grin with delight. God has done so much in and through me, I’ve crossed things off of my bucket list, laughed until I peed, and made friendships with people that will last a lifetime. If this much has happened in just 4 months of being on the race, I can’t imagine what He has in store for the next 7 months… or even for the rest of my life. Being the usher for just a single person into His presence, overrides the numerous pity parties that I’ve thrown in my head.
I’m human and I’m still going to have these earthly feelings, but I choose to not grow tired from them. As I spend time with God, He rejuvenates my soul and loves me so hard and so well. He has given me the best team to lean on and steward my story. I know that this is where I’m meant to be despite any earthly feelings. So instead of growing tired, I choose to be obedient and grow close. I grow close to God and allow Him to hold me tightly in His hands. It’s cool being able to throw your hands up as He takes you on this roller coaster called life (or the world race)… you should try it sometime.
