I notice myself changing. My anger is starting to subside and I am beginning to see how our reactions are a choice. Everyones feelings and thoughts are valid, even when they are less than admirable. The way we feel is ok… but its our choice how we portray that to others. Its our choice what we forgive or hold on to in anger. Its our choice to love or to hate. What power that is. Coming on the race I made a deal with myself that I would always be authentic. I would feel what I feel out in the open and make my life an open book. No more hiding. I am seeing that what I am feeling many times is hurt, and by “feeling that in the open” it comes out as lashing out at other people. Justice and revenge were a big part of my life. I was constantly finding myself making sure things were “fair” even if I hurt someone.
All of this is starting to fade. My anger is turning into forgiveness. My outward brashness is turning into thoughts instead of actions; thoughts that I now bring before the Lord. My outward expression of pain is fading to introspection and healing. I am becoming more Christ-like. Its a weird feeling for me. I surprise myself sometimes by being nice when I would have lashed out in the past. I see myself letting go of things that would have haunted me. I’m better. I’m not perfect, but I’m better.
I desire more moments like those. Moments in which I let go and let Jesus lead me. In those moments we get a glimpse of Jesus’ love. A glimpse of the kingdom of heaven. Jesus has been teaching me that I have the power to love others unconditionally without fail. He is teaching me about my own heart.
My anger is turning into love. My hate into forgiveness. My rage into redemption.
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