ATTENTION: Vulnerability at its finest….
I shared the Gospel. I gave my first sermon in front of a congregation.
I have been really reflecting on the question, “Is God enough for me?” I have been journaling this month asking if when push comes to shove if I was a true believer in Jesus and what He did on the cross. Do I REALLY believe in the power of Christ?
I find that even in the mission field I am constantly comparing myself to others and basing my identity on the approval of others. I want so badly for people to like me, my happiness depends on it. My day can be made or broken based on my interaction and acceptance of people. But what about Jesus, what does He think of me? Where does He fit into this equation? Shouldn’t I only care about His acceptance and approval? Why do I care so much about what others think of me and so little about what Jesus says about me?
I volunteered to share the gospel at church a week or two back and the moment I did I was plagued by anxiety. I was scared to share the Word wrong, I was scared that people would disagree with me. I was scared that after sharing, people would no longer like me. It’s interesting how the devil knows exactly how to twist my thoughts and use them against me. He turns amazing steps of faith into dark pits filled with anxiety. I was consumed with negative thoughts. What if they don’t like me? What if I get something wrong? What if I’m a boring speaker? What if my message is irrelevant? What if I stumble on my words? What if I have to go the rest of the race with a team who thinks I’m an idiot because of what I shared?…. a deep dark place to be.
Moments before sharing I had a make or break moment with Jesus. In that moment I had to decide whether or not Jesus was enough for me; whether or not I truly believed in what He accomplished on the cross and what I was trying to live out this year. He was either enough or He wasn’t; that simple. I decided then and there that I had to surrender. I was too scared to continue on my own and I didn’t want to. I asked God in that moment to share the message that night because I couldn’t do it. There was no way. With all of the thoughts running around in my brain, it would have come out in a jumbled mess. Whether or not I messed up, shared something wrong or stumbled on my words I asked that He would comfort me. Hold me in my moments of embarrassment or sorrow. In my brokenness I needed Him to be enough.
I shared the Gospel. It was an incredible message that was led by the Holy Spirit and received incredibly well by the congregation. I surrendered to Jesus in my weakest moment and admitted that I needed Him, and He showed up in full. Through these moments I learned that He is always enough, I just have to allow Him to be. He will always show up, I just have to ask Him to. I get so wrapped up in my own thoughts and fears that I sometimes don’t allow Jesus space in my heart. I get so determined to be “enough” in the eyes of others that I completely forget what “enough” means.
2Corinthians 12:9
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
This is a raw blog with some not so great moments. But I will boast in my weaknesses.
He is enough in the midst of my weakness. He is the only thing that will ever be enough.
**Due to some unforeseen circumstances and a $4,200 out of pocket hospital stay, I am still $1,833 away from my fundraising goal!!! Please help me finish this race strong! CLICK HERE to support me!! Thank you!
***Also, I would love to hear your comments about God being strong in our weaknesses. How has He moved in your life?! I need some brothers and sisters along with me in this deeper understanding of His love!
