Today, I woke up feeling sad. I’m sad that I wasn’t home to see the fall colors. I’m sad that its a million degrees anywhere I seem to go. I’m sad that I don’t have enough funding to stay on the race, as it sits now I will have to go home in March. I’m sad. I’m mad. I’m tired.
Im in a place on The Race where I’m tired of “growing”. I’m sick of finding new character flaws that need adjusting and work. Most of all I’m exhausted from working through old wounds. Bringing up feelings of the past that I never fully dealt with is a necessary evil for growth, and I’m tired. Before I was went on The Race I looked forward to the healing and growth. I thought it was going to be this epically beautiful thing. I was so off. It is hard. It’s dirty, and it hurts. A lot.
Many have a view that following Jesus will fix everything in a moment, and everything will from then on out be perfect; I was one of them. It’s not until now that I fully feel what it feels like to follow Jesus. He calls us out to love one another better and with that comes growing pains. Following Jesus is not like eating cotton candy; light, pretty, delicious and fun. Although some moments can look like that, following Jesus is like eating your vegetables. Jesus may not be the most convenient or the cheapest, but He nourishes our bodies in exactly the way we were built to need.
I am called out beyond the shore into the waves for Jesus; and I’m drowning. Today is a day I’m gasping for air, but I still choose Him. That’s just where I’m at today. The Race is not always pretty; but it’s real.
