Love. Such an easy concept but terribly hard action. Why is that? Why is it so easy to know how to love others, what love looks like, how to give it, and how to receive it; but its so hard to actually put that knowledge to work. In my heart I know what loving others looks like. I know how to love others, and I am working extremely hard during my time on the race to love others well more often, even when it’s hard. However, there is a loop hole to all of this knowledge. What happens when someone refuses to accept my love. What happens when love doesn’t feel like I thought it would?
During ministry this month I find myself being hurt repeatedly. Hurt because the love that I am working so desperately hard to produce and give out to someone is being thrown away; it’s being rejected. What happens then? What should the appropriate response be? How long do I keep trying? Or…..
When is it ok to love them enough to let go?
I see a teammate making the choice to end her race; to go home. Because of this choice I somehow feel that I failed her. I feel like my love wasn’t enough to make her stay. Even though she rejected my love and care time and time again, I still feel I could have done more. Although the love I was giving her wasn’t being received it doesn’t mean that it never existed at all; it just means that it felt different than I thought it would. I loved her enough to allow her to hurt me, and I am proud of myself for opening up. Being a Christian is hard. Time and time again the Bible talks about love. What I am struggling with is situations in which love is not being received; when my love isn’t enough. My heart breaks and aches in a way that is foreign to me. I have allowed myself to care so deeply for a sister in Christ that I am taking on her pain, her suffering, her choices. The weight of her decision weighs heavily on my heart and it is giving me a glimpse of how the Lord may feel about me.
I cant help but think how the Lord feels every time I make a decision in life that displeases him. I prayed at the beginning of this month to break my heart for what breaks his; and man did he show me. I break his heart every time I make unhealthy choices for myself. I break his heart every time I don’t let Him love me. I break his heart when I don’t honor Him in my actions. I break his heart in the same way mine is breaking now. What a sobering thought.
I break Gods heart daily.
And for the first time in my life that weighs heavily on me. For the first time, I’m truly sorry that I break Gods heart.
