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I am sitting here in month 11 reflecting on my race. I suddenly realized how hard it was. The Race calls us to love one another, to live in community and to love Christ. It calls us to find our true identity and use it to glorify God.
I thought, “Ok, so don’t be a jerk and “find” myself. I can sooooo do that. Easy.”
HAHAHAHA!!!! Wow, how cute.
I thought about some aspects of The Race that are often discussed. Love, forgiveness, honesty ect. Although easy and good in idea and speech, these concepts were harder than I ever expected them to be.
I have to humbly admit to struggling with things I previously thought I had mastered. I have to humbly admit weakness and most importantly I have to admit that it was hard.
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11 Things That Shouldn’t Have Been That Hard
- Loving those around me – It was unbelievably hard to love those I didn’t like. News flash, I’m human. There are people I don’t naturally like. The hard lesson here is God calls us to love one another. I sometimes don’t like people because they act in a way that displeases me. I wonder what my relationship with God would be like if God treated me like I treated those people. Ouch.
- Forgiveness – Before The Race I truly believed I forgave people because I said the words. I was so wrong. I learned through many memories and tears that there is a huge difference between forgetting and forgiving. I don’t know why that was so hard for me, but it was. I am still learning how to successfully forgive people. I continue to hit my knees and beg God for help.
- Honesty – Honesty terrified me. If people knew the complete honest truth of who I was, it was over. They would no longer like me. They would see me covered in sin and unable of escaping it on my own. But there is the error. In my arrogance I thought I was responsible for escaping my sin; I completely neglected the fact that God is the one who gives me strength. I was completely oblivious to the fact that in honesty my community would see Gods goodness, not my errors. Wow, humble pie on a gold platter.
- Positive Attitude – Launching on The Race I was a deeply sad person. I had been hurt by so many people at every turn in life including myself. I was disappointed in the woman I had become. I was so ashamed. Choosing positivity and happiness when your low is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. The last thing I wanted to do while wallowing in self pity was raise my hands in gratitude to God. Somehow I found 10 seconds of strength during my sadness and gave praise. For 10 seconds instead of crying over the things I didn’t have, I gave praise for the things He did give me. When I did, it changed everything. I was no longer alone in my struggle. The more I did that, the more I began to allow Him into my life. Letting God into my life eventually became a habit. When God became a habit, so did joy.
- Lack of Sleep – I never knew I could operate on less than 4 hours of sleep. Quite frankly I thought bodies weren’t meant for that. I was probably correct, they weren’t. Once again there was a huge piece missing. I forgot that God gives us our energy. I forgot to ask God for more of it. Duh, so simple. I learned this lesson the hard way and in hard I mean the hardest way possible and hitting rock bottom. I hit the end of my flesh physically, mentally and emotionally all because of lack of sleep and my unwillingness to ask God for help. The awesome part is when I asked He more than provided. My race would have been MUCH easier if I would have asked sooner; but I didn’t. In typical new believer fashion, I learned the hard way…. haha #notreallyfunnythough
- Affirmation – Talk about uncomfortable. Compliments, in a weird way they made my skin crawl. I quickly learned why. There is a huge difference between compliments and affirmation. Compliments are typically based on appearance and affirmation is based on character. I was at a point in life that the only compliments I was receiving was a means to an end; most commonly from men who wanted something in return. I was so far from interested in continuing this trend in my life that any compliment that came my was was utterly repulsive to me. Then I learned the power of affirmation. Affirmation gave me something I was greatly craving; it gave me encouragement in my character. Affirmation points out the parts of me that are important; my heart, my ideas, my actions towards others. Affirmation never requires an action in return and I now am happy to say I openly accept it in my life. Because of continued affirmation from the community of believers around me, I now know how loved I am. I am loved for right and honorable reasons. I love it.
- Truth – I always have the best intentions of telling the truth, but sometimes I fail. I get scared, anxious or even apathetic. It is so much easier to lie and say “I’m fine”, “nothing is wrong”, or “it was no big deal.” It is hard to stand up for myself in moments of fear because I don’t want confrontation. I would rather shove a needle under my nail; but honestly though. The thing about lying is that the truth always surfaces. It may take hours or even years but I assure you it always comes back around. Truth demands to be known. So why not tell it right of the bat, rip the bandaid off right? Right, do it. When we tell the truth we transition from a person operating out of fear into a person operating out of honor.
- Submission – If willpower were measured the way muscles were, I would find myself an equal to the Hulk. I have an iron will. Submission to Gods will took a full 10 months of fighting, hurting and questioning. I thought I knew best, I thought I knew how to make myself happy. News flash, I didn’t create myself, someone else did. I hit a breaking point in which I was tired of fighting and tired of struggling. I let God reveal plans to me that I didn’t trust, and I chose to follow them anyways. When I did, of course He came through, He always does. All throughout The Race I would see glimpses of happiness but then go quickly back into battle. However, when I finally broke, I found more peace than I had ever experienced. I found joy and I found a stillness that I didn’t even know I was searching for. I learned to submit the hard way. I had to have my will bent while holding tightly on with both hands. I had to lose myself and be retaught everything.
- Trust – Before The Race I didn’t trust. I said I did, and I pretended I did; but I didn’t. I’m not even sure I knew how. Case in point: I “trusted” God to provide my funding for my trip. However just “in case” He didn’t, I had some money put aside. God gave me a lesson in trust month 7 when I was hospitalized in Nepal for 7 days and required to pay $4,200 cash out of pocket. There went my safety net, there went my race money, there went everything. Now I HAD to trust in His plan, not mine. I had to believe that He had me here and would provide a way. I’m not perfect at it yet, but it is a daily choice that I make. I choose to trust He has a plan and I choose to trust that it’s all going to work out. Somedays it’s easier to believe than others. Somedays I choose it through griped hands and gritted teeth. But, time and time again He DOES provide. His continual love teaches me about trust. (PLUG: I still need $255 funding! If you think God wants to use you to help support my race, please don’t hesitate! I trust that He has created a plan to get me fully funded by the time I return home!)
- Service – I get tired. Yea, duh… I have a human body and it was not meant to operate like a robot. Physical demands of The Race wear me down and emotions tucker me out. The combination of it all when serving others if not dealt with can be catastrophic. Our bodies need rest. Our minds need rest. Why is it so hard for me to admit that I need to rest? I need to sit down sometimes. I want so bad to give and give and never stop. I look at the situations around me and think to myself, “Wow, these people have it way harder than I do. I can surely keep going another few hours to serve them without a break. Don’t take a break Hannah, don’t be THAT missionary.” The truth is though that no one benefits from exhausted Hannah. No one sees Jesus in a worn down, cranky and over exerted missionary. We need rest, it’s a fact. I just didn’t know I would feel guilt when asking for it and that it would be so hard to admit.
- Abandonment – Abandonment? That doesn’t sound good… At the beginning of The Race I was standing at a crossroads. One road veered left and the other right. One road pave with entertainment, lies, sin, hurt, confusion, and lets admit it, sometimes fun. The other road was paved with… well I didn’t really know. A promise for a better life, for eternal life. Concepts I wasn’t even sure I fully grasped. I had a choice to make. Take a step left and continue on the path I could see the outcome or take a step right onto the path of the complete unknown in which I would abandon everything I knew. No pun intended but I chose right… see what I did there…. I chose to go after the promise of a better life. I chose the unknown in the hopes of finding joy, forgiveness, redemption, and confidence. It hasn’t always been a walk in the park; but the road has more than doubly filled its promise. Jesus showed up in my abandonment; Jesus provided the answer to what I had been searching for; love.
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It has been a tough road but one I will forever be thankful for. I have overcome struggle, walked through trials in the face of fear and have found Jesus. I will never be the same. I am thankful my hardened heart was softened over the course of the past 11 months and I am thankful that my own will was bent.
I’m not sure I have proper ways to express how thankful I am for the hard times, but if I did I would. In reality it’s the struggle that grows us.
Every morning I cry out to God, “Thank you Jesus for the struggle, thank you for encouragement and thank you most of all for your unconditional love.”
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