If I could sum up the Thailand experience thus far in a single word, it would be “raw”. As I sit here trying to convey what I have experienced…the people, the places, the food, the situations, the ministry, I fall miserably short.
But the unifying principle behind it all is just this stripping of the trappings we place on what it means to be a Christian, nay a human being! What does my life look like without leading worship at First A/G Chattanooga? Where do I get fed when the church service is in Thai? Am I able to grow still when no one is doing the work for me? Who do I go to for guidance when my spiritual leaders are thousands of miles away and there’s no phone line or internet to be found? We are so engrained with the doctrine of freedom that we begin to feel entitled to everything at no cost to us. Even the freedom we claim in America, most of us have done nothing directly to deserve it, but BOY are we willing to lay claim to it. I guess I didn’t think of myself as a high maintenance person, but coming here I see how much I am entrenched in this doctrine of self.
We all probably feel like privacy and toilets and showers are basic rights. When I first set foot in the bathroom at our ministry site, my pride vehemently protested! There is no tank behind it, no handle to flush, no putting toilet paper in the toilet…just a seat, a garbage can full of water right next to it to manually “flush” out the contents and a clear plastic bag to hold the used tissue. The lock is barely intact. The walls don’t go all the way up, so forget shy bladder or you’ll perish from holding it….
And the first time I tried to shower, I scoffed when I looked in and saw a small unit mounted to the wall with a little hose coming off of it.. But upon further inspection, I realize that it is even worse than that. The shower is a garbage can full of cold water that one must voluntarily (and repeatedly) dump on themselves using a little bowl. It’s funny and it sounds trivial, but I was legitimately upset the first time I worked up enough courage and felt the freezing cold water take away any body heat I had left.
The original contact we were supposed to work with this month fell through the day we boarded the bus away from launch in Phuket. So when we were able to line up another person through the awesome folks at YWAM, there was nothing actually in place for us to do at first. You look at the sacrifices you’re making that make you feel woefully put out and think, “Why am I doing this again?” But as usual, God showed us His plans were bigger than ours. We’ve been able to do a ton of kids ministry and teach English at the local school (which is usually closed to Christians) and share our testimonies and messages God has laid on our hearts with the local body of believers.
As I was reading from John Piper’s Don’t Waste Your Life this morning it really hit me…
“Would you feel more loved by God if he made much of you OR if he liberated you from the bondage of self-regard, at great cost to himself, so that you could enjoy making much of him forever?”
If this first month in Thailand was only learning to bowl shower, squatty potty, and eat frog so that my regard of myself and what I “deserve” is broken and put into perspective, it would be worth it! We always go into missions thinking “I’m going to change the world” or “God’s going to change through me” but so so so many times it’s that God has to change us!!! Deuteronomy 6:23. He has to take you out so he can take you in.
Sitting here under the straw cabana that is the neighborhood hangout, my hair straight for the first time in 10 days, wearing some variation of the same clothes I’ve been wearing all month, every muscle in my body sore either from working out or sleeping on the ground, I have never been more content or alive. I feel such purpose even in the waiting. Even in these moments that nothing is planned, I know that God is peeling away the layers of who I thought I was and expanding the horizons of who I labeled Him to be. In these moments I am seeking to truly embody Paul’s cry of boasting only in Christ; of making His glory my highest aim and single passion.
