Lord,
What do I say?
The question, “How’d camp go?!” seems on par with “Could you explain how to eradicate world hunger?” and “Which came first: the chicken or the egg?”
How do I answer the question everyone’s asking, how do I adequately explain the past week of my life?
You know my heart. You know every crevice and hole and wall that it holds. And I don’t. Isn’t that funny? That someone knows my own heart better than I do? But you are Creator and King and Lord and Glory and Love and OFCOURSE you know my heart better than I do!
So. I’m going to need you to tell me how to communicate this.
I can recount the stories. The days might get a little mixed up and some things might be forgotten, but I can narrate this week with ease.
And the people that know me know.
They know that some long overdue forgiveness happened and it was a HUGE FREAKING DEAL.
They know that in one of the survival/team scenarios I was mute and how absolutely hilarious that is.
They know that when God told me to get up and dance, He and I had a little discussion about it at first that went like:
“Ummmm…..no.”
“Hannah, Dance.”
“See God, someone’s praying for me right now. It would be SO rude to interrupt them. You understand.”
“I understand that as of the past 3 seconds they are no longer laying hands on you. So Hannah, get up and Dance.”
“But I’m in the middle of the room.”
“Excellent observation, love.”
“But, God……..”
“And then David danced before me….He danced undignified before his King.”
“Oh, we’re bringing the bible into this now?”
“Hannah, the Bible is always ‘into this’”
“I’m scared. I know no one’s watching. But I’m scared.”
“Do you trust me?”
“Yes.”
“Then Dance.”
They know the smile I had on my face as I danced before my sweet Jesus and the freedom that dance brought.
They know how certain personalities stretch me, and how others are my comfort.
They know how I talk to you, how you talk to me.
They know to trust what I hear from you.
But what about the people who don’t know me? What about the people that are a couple degrees away from me, that only know me casually and occasionally?
How do I explain the immense measure of Your Love that actually drowned me this week?
How do I explain being nearly broken in the middle of a foreign market in the middle of Georgia, USA? And how do I describe the conversation You and I had regarding my unwillingness to let You break me in that moment? How do I describe the joy that came when I realized my need to be completely wrecked and weak before You even when I don’t want to be?
Joy with brokenness? God, those are two things that just do not go together by worldly standards.
How do I explain knowing things and seeing things in people that only you could have placed in my heart?
How do I explain the unexplainable?
And how do I explain the night one of our most courageous squadmates broke down before God (and subsequently us because hey, same room), and how our squad prayed over him with a warrior mentality that I couldn’t be more proud of?
How do I explain the friendships? People I care so deeply for. God, every step they take towards you and for you I want to replay the Spurs winning the championship and pretend the crowd was going wild for THEM. I love them more deeply than I ever thought possible for one week of knowing one another. How did you do that?
How do I go about the whole “Hey I have control issues and, God, with everything I have, I need you to shut them down” conversation that happened a solid 30 times last week?
How do I explain breaking down in sobs a minimum of what felt like 10,000,000 times a day, all the while finding more and more joy in You as the days went on?
How do I explain Your goodness, Your sweet aroma, Your love, Your strength, Your orchestration, Your all-knowing being, Your Spirit, Your empowerment, Your majesty?
I guess my real question is, how do I explain You, Jesus?
Words don’t seem enough.
