The unknown.
This period between transitioning out of the comfortable into a place of doubt, fear and loneliness. A feeling of knowing who you are called to be, but not knowing where to fit in. The constant battle of pleading with the Lord for some type of guidance, yet scared of the answer you may receive. Facing daily memories of who you once were, all the while pushing away old sin patterns and fighting temptation after temptation.
Welcome Home.
They never said it was going to be easy, but I never expected it to be quite this overwhelming. All I wanted was an answer. I became impatient. I lost all peace with where I was. Irritation and frustration flooded every being of my body. I felt as though I was on auto pilot. I had become numb to any type of emotion; good or bad. There were no tears. There were no punches to be thrown. What was wrong with me, was I broken?
Process.
A little word I had thrown out the window since landing back in America. What does process even really mean? What do I possibly need to sit and process? It happened and its over now. Moving on. WRONG. Its real, its raw, its painful, ugly yet somehow its joyful and so very beautiful. I allowed myself to feel. I let myself process emotions that I had pushed past and bottled down deep inside, without realizing. I celebrated victories and wonderful memories. I grieved where I had failed and done wrong.
Be Still.
Be still He said to me. I don’t know how to be still, there is to much to do and I don’t have anywhere to be still. Excuse after excuse. This was my way of covering up the fear that bottled up inside of me. The fear of what would be revealed in the stillness. The fear of the unknown. This word ‘be still’ spoken over me time and time again within the matter of one day. I ran from it. I wanted nothing to do with it.
FOR YOU.
One little thing I had failed to remember. The one who was pleading for my time. Who was so gentle with me. He wanted what was best for me. He was pursuing me. Be still. I ran. Feared. Be still He said. I tried everything to escape the stillness. Until I was reminded, the one who is waiting for me in the middle of the still is FOR ME. He wants only what is good for me. There is nothing to fear, there is no reason to run.
Found.
I stopped running. He found me. Yet again He wrapped me in His gentle loving arms and whispered kindness, goodness and grace. I had been looking for a Mighty sign from my Father when all along He had been asking me to slow down, be still and listen for His whisper. 1 Kings 19
The Whisper.
I wanted to deny the sweet sound. However Gods plan is bigger than I could ever have for myself. I tried to bargain with Him and say no way, but that never works either. So as for me in this next season God has called me to step into a leadership role as a Squad Leader with Adventures in Mission for the World Race. I will be joining the squad out on the field for their first five months leading and discipling them throughout their journey. I want to guide others in the spiritual/emotional health journey that I myself received from the race. I am about to start walking in all the giftings and identity that I discovered on the race and I want to start handing that away to other people. I was scheduled to leave in January but the Lord had other plans. So I will be leaving the country again in October.
Home.
I may not know where home will be or what it may look like in these upcoming months, but I do know that God is calling me. And wherever He is calling me, that is home.
I would love for all of you to join me in prayer as I take this next step in obedience for the Lord and His plan for my life. I would also appreciate you to prayerfully consider helping support this journey as well. An investment in this next step is an investment in the Kingdom. Thank you for supporting me thus far. If you are not already subscribed to follow my blog please do so, so that I can keep you updated with everything that God has in store over these next few months!
Many Blessings
