There’s been a quote stuck in my head for a couple weeks.
“Your brokenness is welcome here.”
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When I was thinking about my next blog post, I honestly had no idea what to write. I’m normally full of words and thoughts, but my mind was blank when I turned here. Like I didn’t have anything worthy enough of my “official world race blog”. But I realized that this will be my best resource to connect to my home when I’m gone. That this will be the place I can pour my heart out for my family and friends to read. And most importantly, whatever I post here, whatever thoughts I fill the page with, won’t be wrong, or not worthy.
For a while, I’ve turned to my notebook for prayers. Praying through my written words. When I tried to pray out loud, it felt uncomfortable. I was scared, why did it feel so weird, almost.. dare I say wrong? But I realized that in those moments, that’s how my soul could talk to the Lord. That it was okay to be silent. That in my moments of silence and quietness, the Lord still heard me. I just recently read in Lamentations 3:25-26, The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly.
The Lord may call us to silence. And it might not make sense in that moment. During this time we must continue to seek Him out, for that is what He has laid upon us. That was about a year ago. But just recently, I’ve gone through another bout of silence. It didn’t make sense the first time, and it didn’t make sense this time. Why did I feel incapable of speaking out? Of speaking out to Him in prayer, in talking to my friends, my family? I randomly fell upon the passage in Lamentations. In the moment I read it, I got it.
During the silence, I learned who I am, and who I will be. The Lord showed me a glimpse of what my life would be like. He showed me my heart. I’m still incapable of putting this experience into words. But know, when you go through times that don’t make sense, the Lord is still present. In the quiet, in the midst of anger, in devastation, in despair, He is with you. Be still and know. Don’t let Satan take advantage of you. Continue to seek the Lord, and He will reveal Himself to you.
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Fun fact, I’m much more of an introvert than people think. I’ve always said I was a mix between the two as my mom is as extroverted as you can get, but my dad on the other hand is a hermit. But as I get older, I become more introverted. In the times I crave silence, a moment alone. The times I seek my book instead of the crowd around me. I’ll be honest, I was sobbing when I realized I was more introverted than extroverted. I remember coming home after a summer bonfire talking to my dad in the kitchen at 1 am. I didn’t understand how I could be surrounded by my friends and feel so alone. As the tears started coming my dad smiled gently and began to explain to me that all I was feeling, that was my “introvert side” coming out. I was almost at a loss. If this was what being an introvert felt like, I didn’t want to be it. No thanks, I’ll take my extroverted genes please. But as the year has gone by, I’ve realized it’s okay. It’s okay to want to be alone. But something I’ve just now realized (literally right now as I’m writing), is that in our times of silence or when your “introverted side” comes out, God still hears our hearts. Not just our words, the ones we write or that we speak, but the words of our hearts and our souls. He knows each of our hearts, for He is the creator. Nothing else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 9:39.
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But that quote I mentioned earlier? I think that that is how I feel coming into the World Race. I’ve had people come to me with excitement pouring out of them, telling me how lucky I am that God has set this in motion for me, that I have this great plan for my life. But something they don’t know is that I’m as broken as they are. I don’t have it all figured out. There are times I feel like I can’t pray. I break down crying in my kitchen. I don’t have it figured out. No one wants to admit they are broken. I certainly don’t. But I AM broken. The part about it all that continues to fill me heart? My brokenness is welcome in the arms of our Savior.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psams 34:18.
I am going on the World Race because the Lord has called me to. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what my future holds. And I certainly don’t have it all figured it out. I am broken in the arms of the savior.
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Merry Christmas all. Love you guys and hope you have a wonderful and merry holiday with your family and friends <3
