friends and strangers alike! i’m overdue for a blog! so here ya go.
if you haven’t noticed yet (or read my latest blog) i’m still in good ol carmel, IN. i’m still home. sitting, waiting, wishing (wise words from THE jack johnson). & i’m gonna be completely frank, i don’t like waiting. i’m as impatient as they come.
that fact has become pretty apparent the past month hahah. i’m currently taking 2 college classes, a part-time nanny, dogsitting all the time, & just hanging out. i haven’t had this much TIME in the past 12 years. and i’m still not completely sure what to do with it. thanks to god’s goodness, i’m fully funded & have all my equipment ready. {i’m literally packed right now y’all.}
to clue you in on the time frame for when my life flipped upside down– there was about 2 weeks between the end of training camp and when god officially decided i wouldn’t be launching in september to guatemala. something they told us about at training camp was how difficult the time between tc & launch would be, and i’m a testament of that truth. they told us that the closer we get to committing the next 9 months of our lives to sharing the truth of jesus, the angrier satan would get. did you know satan’s one mission is to make us turn away from god? he hates god. so when we commit to sharing the gospel & bringing people to the Lord, satan is FAILING. no one likes to fail, & satan is no exception. i’ll tell you, the spiritual warfare i experienced in that time was like no other.
in the month following the decision to not launch, i fell away from god. for a month. for a month i didn’t pray, i didn’t read my bible, i didn’t look for god. i looked at my life and said i didn’t need god.
“things are going well.”
i got mad at the Lord for small things. & i didn’t seek him in anything. gosh, isn’t it just too hard to run everything by god? it doesn’t seem like he’s listening anyway. his way isn’t working, but mine is. when i tried to pray, i couldn’t. i had lost faith in the god i was praying to. in that moment i thought he sucked. i had just come off one of the highest spiritual experiences i’d ever had in my life, but i couldn’t pray anymore. when i came down off that jesus high, i didn’t just land on flat ground, i went underground. i didn’t feel that need for the father. i didn’t need anything from him and my life seemed to be going on just fine without him. i didn’t have any fire for him. i lost that ache for him. i didn’t want him, and i was okay with that. i stopped going to church, and i stopped talking about him.
i began to live this new life without god.
& for a little while, it was easier. i didn’t have to think about my choices. i didn’t have to think about my sins. i didn’t want to genuinely talk to my friends who loved the lord because they might make me change my new lifestyle. so i pretended. would spew out a couple things a lover of jesus might say, and would carry on. but it started to get lonely. my insecurities couldn’t be healed by god’s love anymore, i just had to sit with them, soaking in every feeling. i was feeling the emptyness in my heart where my father dwelled. & my heart became homeless. i finally confided in one friend. while i explained how i felt, that i didn’t have an ache for jesus, i realized there wasn’t anything she could say that would bring that back. that was something between me and the Lord. & i wasn’t ready to have that talk yet.
~~~
then, it happened. i started to think about jesus again. i started to go to a new church. they played a song, i cried. it was ‘here now’ by hillsong.
they said ‘god i know that you are here now, let your voice be all i hear now’
‘because i KNOW you’re in this place’
‘grace found my heart where logic ends.’
i sat there the rest of the service with a feeling in my heart. in awe. did i really turn away from god for a month? i prayed for the first time in over a month, and it had never felt easier. god had been waiting.
it’s been a process, letting god’s voice be all i hear again & finding my fire for jesus. i started finding him in small ways, and then bigger ways. it became easier to pray and talk to him, & i wanted to talk to him about the small things. that valley i found myself in was the scariest i’d ever been. who was i without god? the answer was simple, i was no one. i am no longer hallie coleson without the presence of jesus christ.
now, each day has a purpose again. each day has meaning. each action is love. i have a purpose again. those valley’s are always bound to happen, & it’s during those seasons that our faith is tested. sometimes they’re long, sometimes they’re short. but don’t forget, there is always another mountain waiting for you to start the climb.
you don’t have to be the ‘perfect’ christian. in fact, that person doesn’t exist. jesus christ died for our mistakes, for our brokenness. allow him to put the pieces back together & allow him to do it in his timing.
with lots of love,
hallie 🙂
