“If you could pick one TV show to describe your life, what would it be and why?”
Incase you’ve never had the extreme privilage of watching Heroes, I’ll give you the quick run-down. The series tells the story of a group of ordinary people with extraordinary abilities. They always manage to pull out a victory and literally save the world at the end of each season. These people have the most amazing abilities…flight, telekenesis, physical regeneration, strength, speed, mind-reading, memory erasing, teleportation, and time travel (just to name a few). It’s not your typical superhero story. They don’t wear fancy costumes and they aren’t heralded by society. Actually, most of them put massive amounts of effort into keeping their abilities a secret. They come to realize the powers they’ve been given yield a responsibility. However, most of the drama and conflict of the series doesn’t seem to be about catching the bad guys or preventing worldly destruction. It comes from the inner struggles of the individuals. You have a male hospice nurse, high school cheerleader, Japanese office worker, policeman, watch-maker, politician, and painter. They deal with normal things like marital problems, feeling misunderstood by parents, and loneliness. You watch them battle through feelings of “just wanting to be normal.” Claire (Hayden Panettiere) is probably my favorite character on the show. Her ability (regeneration/healing) surfaced when she was sixteen and it changed her entire life. She went from being a typical high school cheerleader to feeling like the weight of the world was on her shoulders. She went to college this season and tried to get the typical college experience. This didn’t work so well…her roommate was killed by an invisible foe, her biological father was finally put to rest after a long battle with the main series villian, and she’s currently being held prisoner at a carnival. Yes, I’m a few episodes behind thanks to lack of internet. Don’t ruin it for me. Anyway, so much for being normal. A few episodes back, Bennet visits Matt Parkman (who can read minds/implement thoughts) because he needs help taking down the villian. After a failed adventure, Matt returns home and begins cooking. The interaction between Matt and Bennet in the kitchen really stuck with me. Bennet is ready to go rescue a lady that has been kidnapped. Matt just wants to make ratatouille for his wife and son. He says, “You know, there are some days that you just can’t save the whole world.”
I can relate the way they feel. There are many days that I find myself asking a question. Why can’t I just be normal? When I heard the call to ministry, it rocked my world. It messed up all my plans. It introduced a confusion that I had never known before. I no longer had control over my life. And after a call to ministry came the call to go on the World Race. Here I am, probably more confused than ever. This experience is amazing, but it’s also exhausting- physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. This month I’ve been tired. There are days that I would rather be at home making ratatouille (or learning to make ratatouille), rather than trying to save the world. I just want to be lazy. I’m tired of pushing myself, I’m tired of growing, I’m tired of always having something to work on. This experience is opening my eyes to so many things. I see the world through the lenses of making it a better place. God is constantly revealing things to me that I need to work on individually. Sometimes it’s just overwhelming. I listened to a Mark Driscoll sermon a few days ago that summarized how I feel. “The closer you get to Jesus, the more you see how screwed up you really are.” I’m in a season where I just want to wallow. Ignorance is bliss.
Part of me feels guilty for saying all of this. God has done (and is currently doing) such incredible things in my life. But I’m finding freedom in honesty, both with God and other people. I’m not perfect. I struggle, face temptation, and fail time and time again. I’m learning to embrace that this is a far greater testimony than trying to maintain the impossible mirage that I’ve got it all together just because I’m a missionary. I’ve doubted the foundations of God in my life more in the last seven months than I think I have in my entire life. I’ve been apathetic. I’ve wanted to be able to be satisfied with my life. There are times that I wish I could just be oblivious to the hand of God in my life. It would be far easier, and far less painful. There’s always been a mental block with me as to why people would settle for justification instead of pursuing sanctification. Now I get it. Sanctification sucks. But I know it’s worth it. The challenge for me now is to believe that, even though I don’t always want to.
I preached the sermon at church this past Sunday, but I was mainly preaching to myself. I talked about four stories from the gospels (Jesus walks on water, Jesus appears to Mary Magdeline after the resurrection, Jesus appears to the men on the road to Emmaus, and Jesus appears to his disciples and gives them the miraculous catch). In all of these stories, Jesus isn’t recognized. They think he’s a ghost, gardener, or they just don’t recognize him at all. In each instance, Jesus not only shows up, but works in the situations. I don’t always recognize the presence of Jesus in my life, especially in this current moment. I’m too worried about the current circumstance, or I just don’t care to see him at all. I’m learning to have faith that he’s working in my life whether I acknowledge it or not. However, he does give me little reminders when I put forth the effort to listen. I asked him to speak to me yesterday, and Psalm 30 popped into my head. Reading it brought me encouragement, so maybe it can do the same for you.
I’ll continue to watch Heroes. It reminds me that I’m not alone in this struggle. I may not be able to save the world, but I’ll continue to do my part in making it a better place. With great power comes great responsibility. I learned that from Spiderman. Even though I get tired, I know God has called me. Life will never be normal again. At the end of the day, I know that’s a good thing.
I will exalt you, Lord, for you rescued me.
You refused to let my enemies triumph over me.
O Lord of my God, I cried to you for help, and you restored my health.
You brought me up from the grave, O Lord
You kept me from falling into the pit of death.
Sing to the Lord, all you godly ones!
Praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment but his favor lasts a lifetime!
Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning.
When I was prosperous, I said, “Nothing can stop me now!”
Your favor, O Lord, made me as secure as a mountain.
Then you turned away from me, and I was shattered.
I cried out to you, O Lord.
I begged for mercy, saying, “What will you gain if I die, if I sink into the grave?
Can my dust praise you?
Can it tell of your faithfulness?
Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me.
Help me, O Lord.”
You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
That I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!
