I’m learning more and more each day that one of the main things I want to take home from this experience is balance. I’m learning so many things about myself, as well as the way I want to live my life. The hard part is figuring out how to implement these new things into my daily life. I’m faced with finding balance between things I’ve never thought about balancing before. It’s always been one-sided. Now, I have to even the scale. Here are a few examples that you can be in prayer for.
1. Balance between accepting God’s grace while still being disciplined
I’m pretty good at failing at both. I want to be able to forgive others, as well as accept forgiveness myself. I tend to be at one extreme or the other. I feel guilty and refuse grace that’s been given, or I take advantage of that grace. Also, I’ve always lacked discipline with prayer and study. I’ve never had much accountability in these areas. It’s always been my choice, which has given me an independance about my faith. This is a good thing, but it’s been tough. I’m expected to be disciplined about prayer and study here, which initially made me feel pushed. There is freedom in Christ and his grace is abounding, but I still need to pull my load and dive in.
I’m pretty good at failing at both. I want to be able to forgive others, as well as accept forgiveness myself. I tend to be at one extreme or the other. I feel guilty and refuse grace that’s been given, or I take advantage of that grace. Also, I’ve always lacked discipline with prayer and study. I’ve never had much accountability in these areas. It’s always been my choice, which has given me an independance about my faith. This is a good thing, but it’s been tough. I’m expected to be disciplined about prayer and study here, which initially made me feel pushed. There is freedom in Christ and his grace is abounding, but I still need to pull my load and dive in.
2. Balance between confidence and humility
I’ve had countless people say that they see me as a humble person. That’s a compliment, right? I can tell you the Greek root meaning of the word humble. I can theologically explain what being humble truly means. But there’s always been a gap between head knowledge and heart knowledge for me. Humility is about being grounded in Christ- an empty vessel for him to work. Humility is not about lacking confidence in yourself. It’s about walking in confidence with Christ. I’ve never been able to find the combination God desires for my life.
I’ve had countless people say that they see me as a humble person. That’s a compliment, right? I can tell you the Greek root meaning of the word humble. I can theologically explain what being humble truly means. But there’s always been a gap between head knowledge and heart knowledge for me. Humility is about being grounded in Christ- an empty vessel for him to work. Humility is not about lacking confidence in yourself. It’s about walking in confidence with Christ. I’ve never been able to find the combination God desires for my life.
3. Balance between preferring others, while standing up for my own needs
This one’s a doozy. If you’ve ever asked me to lunch, you know how I am. I make you choose where we eat. A battle ensues if you try to get me to name a place. This is a silly example, but it shows the point. There have been so many times that I’ve neglected my own needs or desires because preferring others was the “Christian” thing to do. It’s been my identity. It’s resulted in letting people take advantage of me, making me feel devalued. But I let it happen over and over again. I’m learning that my needs are important. I should be valued by other people. I just don’t want this new-found revelation to tip the scale too much in that direction.
This one’s a doozy. If you’ve ever asked me to lunch, you know how I am. I make you choose where we eat. A battle ensues if you try to get me to name a place. This is a silly example, but it shows the point. There have been so many times that I’ve neglected my own needs or desires because preferring others was the “Christian” thing to do. It’s been my identity. It’s resulted in letting people take advantage of me, making me feel devalued. But I let it happen over and over again. I’m learning that my needs are important. I should be valued by other people. I just don’t want this new-found revelation to tip the scale too much in that direction.
4. Balance between being myself, but stepping outside of my comfort zone
I’m really good at making excuses. I’m really good at rationalization, too. This is something I pride myself in, even though I probably shouldn’t. I’ve realized that I often blame things on the way I am. I’m allowed to dwell over hurt feelings and clam up…it’s the way I am. I’m allowed to make you prove yourself before I trust you…it’s the way I am. I’m allowed to hold a grudge…it’s the way I am. But the way I am/have been isn’t the way I want to be. Sure, there are things that are engrained in the way I live my life. I just don’t want to continue to use that as an excuse to hinder my growth. I’m learning that I have a choice in the matter. It’s still not easy, but I found power in that.
I’m really good at making excuses. I’m really good at rationalization, too. This is something I pride myself in, even though I probably shouldn’t. I’ve realized that I often blame things on the way I am. I’m allowed to dwell over hurt feelings and clam up…it’s the way I am. I’m allowed to make you prove yourself before I trust you…it’s the way I am. I’m allowed to hold a grudge…it’s the way I am. But the way I am/have been isn’t the way I want to be. Sure, there are things that are engrained in the way I live my life. I just don’t want to continue to use that as an excuse to hinder my growth. I’m learning that I have a choice in the matter. It’s still not easy, but I found power in that.
5. Balance between being tender-hearted, without being overly offendable
I’ll say it, I’m a sensitive schmuck. My feelings are hurt very easily. I over analyze words and play them back over and over again in my head. I assume you meant the worst. I also assume our relationship is conditional. This has resulted in closing myself off from the world. Looking back, there are so many things I’ve missed out on. I lived with three great girls for three out of five of my college years, and I spent it all tucked away in my room. At Wesley, I was looking for community. But I played it safe. Sure, I was super-involved: discipleship committee, freshmen leader, worship committee, worship band…heck, I was even the janitor. The relational aspect was lacking. And once again, I made excuses and blamed others. I don’t fit in because I came in late (I started Wesley jr. year). My class has been bonding for two years. The younger folks are bonding now that they’re starting college. And I’m caught in the middle. I didn’t engage in people’s lives. I was so desperate for people to pour into my life that I didn’t put any effort into pouring into others’ lives. I have friends that I adore from Wesley. But now I know that my time there could have been so much more meaningful. I don’t want to look back on the next chapter of my life with the same regret.
I’ll say it, I’m a sensitive schmuck. My feelings are hurt very easily. I over analyze words and play them back over and over again in my head. I assume you meant the worst. I also assume our relationship is conditional. This has resulted in closing myself off from the world. Looking back, there are so many things I’ve missed out on. I lived with three great girls for three out of five of my college years, and I spent it all tucked away in my room. At Wesley, I was looking for community. But I played it safe. Sure, I was super-involved: discipleship committee, freshmen leader, worship committee, worship band…heck, I was even the janitor. The relational aspect was lacking. And once again, I made excuses and blamed others. I don’t fit in because I came in late (I started Wesley jr. year). My class has been bonding for two years. The younger folks are bonding now that they’re starting college. And I’m caught in the middle. I didn’t engage in people’s lives. I was so desperate for people to pour into my life that I didn’t put any effort into pouring into others’ lives. I have friends that I adore from Wesley. But now I know that my time there could have been so much more meaningful. I don’t want to look back on the next chapter of my life with the same regret.
All of this mess is overwhelming at times. It would be so much easier not to deal with it…to just live in ignorant bliss. So much for that, huh? Hopefully this gives you a little insight into the craziness swirling around my brain right now. Sharing this is good. Hard, but good. I really do appreciate the encouragement everyone has given. As always, prayers are appreciated!
