This is the story, of how God blew my mind and used a 14 year old Burmese girl to affirm that I AM BEAUTIFUL.
To start off with a little backstory. Growing up, I can’t recall there ever being a time when I was told I was beautiful nor asked if I thought I was beautiful. I believe this to be the result of a few things but I mainly associate it with the death of my dad.
Since my dad passed away when I was young, I didn’t experience the affirmation of my beauty in the way that an earthly father could give to his daughter. And I would never have excepted my mom to try to fill both roles. (Side note: I want to relieve any lies, doubts or negative thoughts that would make my mom think that it was her fault I never heard it. Love you mom. You’re great). I realize that this all sounds really sad, but it was just what it was for me. And I promise the end is good, really good. Because God is good. So keep reading…..
I just never saw myself as beautiful. I would look in the mirror every morning. Often questioning, I am beautiful? Do other people think I am beautiful? But I didn’t answer. Because if I answered honestly I would have to admit what I truly thought, which is that I didn’t think I was beautiful. I started to just except that it was just a word I didn’t define myself as. I also stop questioning myself in general. Easier to not face it. Which also let to a lot of avoidance of conflict and digging deeper with others. So thanks self, you set yourself up for a lot more work.
I did however seem to only ever be defined by the word “cute”. “Haley, you’re so cute.” “Haley you always look so cute” so on and so forth. Naturally, I took that as “well I guess that is all I will ever be”. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind being called cute. I’m obsessed with overalls and often wear by hair in braids. And that’s pretty darn cute. 🙂 But ultimately it did not help to break through the lies, doubts and lacking that encompassed the way viewed myself.
So, fast forward through middle school, junior high, high school and college. I’m now a grown adult, age 25, going on the World Race. At this point, I never thought that the affirmation of my beauty was ever something the Lord was going to walk be through. Or something I actually struggled with for that matter. Then during a one-on-one, my first ever I might add, my squad leader asked me if I saw myself as beautiful. I came head-on with the question that no one has ever asked me. My answer terrified me. Through streams of tears that flowed down my face, I answered NO. I told her that I was only every defined by the word, cute. She looked me straight in the eyes and told me “Haley, cute is a word for kittens”. I will never forget that moment (also this is ironic because I hate cats, ask anyone). She also directly correlated this to the passing of my dad and how from an early age, that affirmation was lacking. I was a complete wreck. I didn’t know that to do with the overwhelming about of information all about me and the way I viewed myself.
I began to praying about what God revealed to me that day. How I viewed myself. How God views me. Daily wondering when the He was going to work on it with me. Month by month went by and nothing drastic happened. It wasn’t until 5 month when I landed in Myanmar. A country I knew very little about. A country where the women and also men cover their faces in Burmese makeup, a tan colored mixture of sandalwood and water. They wear it because in their culture, it makes you more beautiful. In their eyes, it only enhances your beauty. God was about to use this place, these people in a big way. And I had no idea was I was about to discover.
We ended up staying at a hostel for that entire month. We got to know the staff there pretty well. Among them, was a young girl. She was probably about 14 years old. She helped out with cleaning and cooking. She spoke very little English and had more energy than anyone I have ever met. Very quickly, we became friends. She would be so excited to see me and greet me every morning with “Good Morning, How are you?”. In the most broken english you can imagine. And I would of course reply back and she would bust out in the most obnoxious but delightful laugh ever. I would often try to match her level of enthusiasm too. For me, she will be one of those individuals that I will never forever.
As I started each morning, sitting down for breakfast, she would bring me coffee and say “Coffee, Beautiful”. I just laughed and didn’t think twice about it. She would do this every morning. Over and Over. And then increasingly more, she would see me throughout the day and say “Hello, beautiful”, “Ah, Beautiful” or even saying “Laday” which was her native language translation for beautiful. Still, well into the month. I didn’t think about it for a minute.
Then one night, during a prayer and worship time. I asked God, “What are you showing me this month?” “What is next for me?”. Then He brought her to my mind. And like a wave it hit me. She has told me everyday, more than once a day, that I AM BEAUTIFUL. It was more than I have ever heard in my whole life. So much so that I believe it. She literally defined me by the word that I never thought I would be defined by. She named me beautiful. God used her to affirm my beauty.
I finished out that month feeling different, starting that moment. It’s hard to explain. It was more than just being concerned with what I was wearing or if I was going to put on makeup. I was carrying myself differently. Beauty was exuding from me with a new level of confidence. I felt beautiful not only on the inside but on the outside too. For the first time in my life. In all this, I also believe that God’s timing was perfect. He waited til month 5, because He orchestrated it all to be revealed to me in such an impactful way. Using my surrounding. Using those around me in the most unexpected way. Immersing me into an environment where I would be live each day slowly soaking up my newly found beauty without even realizing it. Until the moment He saw fit for me to connect the dots. So powerfully that I would know for sure. Without a doubt. That I AM BEAUTIFUL.
-hw
