“She has stage four cancer.”
For the sake of anonymity, I won’t disclose who “she” is but this phone call I received at 6AM the morning before traveling from Guatemala to Nicaragua radically rocked my world and changed my Race.
The biggest fears and apprehension I faced leading up to the World Race involved the wellbeing of my family. I had a daily battle with what if’s:
What if something bad happens when I’m gone?
What if I miss my opportunity to say goodbye?
What if there’s conflict and I can’t be there to fix it?
What if I have to grieve on my own?
I’ve learned to not be surprised by God anymore; He likes to keep me on my toes.
So here I was, crying into the arms of my teammates at a hostel in Antigua with my dad on the other side of the phone. God placed my biggest fear right in front of me – but the cool part? This was a battle He wouldn’t let me fight alone. I was literally facing this giant with an army willing to walk alongside me every step of the way.
After receiving bad news, we focus on our initial reaction. That reaction drives our emotions, our actions and our thoughts. Below is what I wrote in my journal right after receiving the news:
Why am I here during this time? When the family’s all together and hurting, why have you placed me halfway across the world? I don’t have any words yet can’t focus on anything else. I just need you. My family needs you. My heart is breaking not being home and it’s so hard to be anywhere else. But You have me right here right now for a reason. Lead me to trust You; help me through this, Lord. There’s nothing else I can do.
Reactions aren’t always truthful but they’re real. They lead us to overthink, to regret and to long for something more than what we have. So when I was hit with my worst fear, I allowed my initial reaction to take over. I couldn’t stay still where I was yet I was too frozen to move. It was a day fueled by emotion, tears, overthinking and questioning God. A day of reactions.
But what’s crazy about the Race is that in just one month, God has taught me a lot. Like a LOT. He’s shown me how to push past reactions and respond. And this battle was my final exam. So how do we respond in a healthy way? I don’t have it completely figured out but it involves processing. It requires vulnerability within your community and honesty with the Lord. Our response is the result of bringing our issues to God.
Below is another excerpt from my journal after I processed – this is my response:
Hope is so permanent, Lord. It’s a daily promise we wake up to and go to sleep with. And it’s a promise I can cling to throughout all of this. Thank you for so clearly placing hope in my life, especially when facing trials. There trials sharpen us and our genuineness – they lead us to authenticity with You which creates more hope; what a cool cycle! Thank you, Lord, for providing me with all the hope I need.
I’m not going to lie and say I’m okay; I still think about home frequently and find it easy to slide into a desire to be with my family. My heart still aches when I think of the changes I’ll see next year when I return; guilt is a daily visitor I have to shoo away. But the burn stings a little less when I look around at the community God’s given me to lean into and the Hope He’s instilled day after day.
I can’t end this blog with an answer. There’s no take away or bow wrapping it up yet as I’m still in the midst of the battle. It changes the rest of my Race, my family and my dependence on God; so I’ll let Him drop the mic:
“In all this you greatly rejoice though now for a little while you may have to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire – may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” – 1 Peter 1:6-7
