Broken on a train in Vietnam

During my time in Vietnam, God has
finally had the chance to break me and expose the nastiness that was
rooted so deep within me. This process has taken many years and the
breaking point has been such a long time coming. I have prayed for
this and I know that my family has done the same for many years. To
begin, I will say that God has allowed me to see the person in the
mirror, to see my true heart
and to see my motives. Without the mighty work of Christ’s hand in my
life I have absolutely nothing to offer Him. I can’t be
effective in my sole purpose (expanding His Kingdom and spreading the
truth) when I have a cloudy perspective of my heart. I have been
living with a viel over my eyes and satan has been lied to me for so
incredibly long. I have bought into his lies and have become too
comfortable in my own skin to change. This is exactly what satan
wants to do. He wants to lie to us and deceive us, but never to a
point where we might really allow God to change our hearts. 

I grew up in a loving family, with two
supremely awesome Christian parents and brother. My family raised me with Biblical principles and loved me
like Christ calls us to love one another. They taught me the bible
and our household was dictated by God’s word. They sacrificied
things they wanted in order to send my brother and I to a Christian
school when we were young. My Stepfather came into my life almost 9
years ago and from day one always gave me the best. He gave me things
he worked for as a child and blessed me far beyond what was
necessary. He opened his home and life to me and has taught me so
much from the wisdom he has acquired over the years; many invaluable
lessons that really saved me a lot of heartache. My brother always
looked out for me as well. I irritated him, pushed his buttons, and
tried to manipulate him while growing up. He bore through so many
years of it and loved and served me without end. My family has gone
out of their way to serve me like Christ calls us to serve one
another for so many years. They have done many great and
unnessecarily nice things for me. They relentlessly gave me mercy and
grace. In response to the love and blessings that were poured out on
me, I rejected them with my actions. I dishonored them and I didn’t obey them and treated them like dirt
most days. I took out my emotions on them and caused them many nights
of unrest and undue stress. Somehow, for so long, i justified these
actions to myself. My heart grieves at the thought of how I treated
my family, especially the most beautiful woman in the world, my
mother. I have been so filled with selfishness and was so ignorant to
the effects of my behavior. My heart is broken by the words I spoke
to my mother. All I can do in this moment is weep about my ways. I
owe each member of my immediate family and also my extended family
but most importantly God an apology for the way I have treated them
and represented them in a way that was not in line with the way they
raised me. I also owe my friends an apology for the way I have
misrepresented Christ in my life. My prayer is that God gives me many
years ahead to make it up to all of you. By the grace of God, He has
changed my heart and is teaching me that this life, in fact, is not
all about me-contrary to my previous way of thinking. I pray that He
renews my mind daily to this reality. With this reality, I know that
with much grace and mercy I am on the road to a life that glorifies
God and all of His creation. Repentance is truly good for the soul! I
have found such joy in knowing that God gives us revelations about
our sin because he fully intents to bring us to a higher place with
him, to a higher calling. In Isaiah it says that God’s word never returns void and He brings every work He starts to full completion…because of this I have confidence and hope!