I am currently in Kota Bharu, Malaysia with a team working on finding future hosts and contacts for the World Race. This ministry looks a lot like the last time I was in Malaysia. We have no set up and no host and are asking the Lord daily to find out where He wants us to go, what He wants us to do, and who He wants us to talk to while we go about our days. My time in Malaysia last time was one of my favorite months on the Race because I learned what it looks like to partner with God every single day and live a missional life in what was normal for me.
Coming into Malaysia with the idea of doing the same thing again was exciting! I knew there was going to be a chance to risk, to live a month on the Race unlike any of the others. The Lord told me my role on this team for the two weeks I was with them was to support them in whatever they were doing and wherever we were going.
After five long days of travel, we finally had arrived at the hostel we felt the Lord was calling us to for the first week. We quickly named it the Jungle Hostel because we were in the middle of nowhere surrounded by animals, the river, very few people, and all the bugs you could ever dream of. I wish I could tell you I was excited about the area, about the people we were around, about where the Lord had brought our team. That would be a lie.
I was tired from traveling. I was annoyed with the bugs. I was sick and the bathroom was a walk across the complex instead of being nearby. The people at the hostel didn’t speak much English, and the one that did was honestly very annoying for me. Our taxis never knew how to get us back home. There was only one restaurant open at lunch every day, and it was curry (no thanks!). Basically, I found everything wrong with where we were and what we were doing. I could not see the purpose and even as I tried to, I couldn’t convince my heart to believe it, so I gave up for a few days.
This team I was supposed to be supporting now had to deal with a crabby version of me, unhappy about the circumstances and doing a very poor job of even remotely hiding how I felt. I was half-heartedly asking the Lord for purpose but not really wanting to hear it, until finally I did.
I asked the Lord why we were in this jungle hostel far away from people and potential contacts? He started listing the names of the people at the hostel.
He named the European who had showed up the day after we got there and was leaving the same day as us. He named the volunteer who was leaving a few days after us. He named the Syrian refugee, and He named the Muslims that run the hostel.
Finally, I had asked for Kingdom perspective and had received it, but this was not before I was crabby and completely unsupportive the three days before.
I had failed. I failed at gaining perspective when I knew I needed it. I failed at supporting the team I was with for the time being. I failed the people at the hostel who didn’t have a relationship with the Lord. I failed myself.
One of my biggest fears is failure, and I did a whole lot of it last week. However, God loved me through it. He felt it worth His time to answer my questions and convict me and draw me back into Him. He always finds me worth His time, and He always will. I failed, and it was okay. I failed and He didn’t love me any less. I failed and the community around me still loved me and accepted me. I failed and learned more about God and was drawn closer to Him.
I choose right now to put down my fear of failure at the foot of the cross. I’m human and am going to fail, but I would much rather risk and fail then live a life stuck in my comfort zone. I want more of God and I want to chase after that whatever it looks like.
The World Race is amazing, but it is also life. It is full of waterfalls, adventures, beautiful scenery, and awesome experiences, but it is also full of failure, hard conversations, and conflicts. I don’t choose one over the other because in my experience, every single one of those things points straight back to God and draws me closer to Him. I thank God for each and every one of these things!
I have failed, but I am not a failure. My only identity is being a daughter and follower of God, and that is a pretty awesome deal.
