Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Psalm 139:23-24
It’s been almost three days since I’ve been home from the World Race training camp and I am still trying to process on what just happened. The 10 days were filled with porta potties and bucket showers, exhaustion, tears after tears, many laughters and bonding time, beautiful worshipping, and realizing that our amazing God really hears us and loves us more than we know. It was one of the hardest week I have experienced but also one of the best.
All I know is that at this moment, I am in the light. The light of God. I have stepped out of the darkness and it’s the best feeling in the world. For the first time in a long time I am feeling free.
One of the big things that I learned at training camp is to allow yourself to step out of your comfort zone and let God guide you. He is never going to leave your side. Because of that I am going to keep doing that. So, I am going to step out of my comfort zone at this moment by telling you a little about my past and how I was able to step out of the darkness during training camp.
On April 13th, 2011, four years ago, my life was shattered. My brother, Ryan, was killed in a construction accident. He was killed two weeks before he was supposed to marry the love of his life. He was the oldest out of 5 of us. Ryan was the protector of our family. He brought joy, calmness, and love. Overall my brother was a handsome man with a beautiful soul. And before we knew it, he was gone on earth. No goodbyes and no second chances, just gone.
After Ryan passed away, my life changed. I went from this girl who was super happy and had her whole life planned to a girl filled with sadness, anger, and not knowing what’s next within days. A person going into the darkness. The light and joy has left her heart.
I decided to put a wall up between myself and the grieving/pain process. I didn’t want to deal with it. It was too much for me. I also decided to put a wall up between myself and God. I was very angry at Him and blamed Him for the death of my brother. Because I didn’t want to deal with the grieving/emotional process, I went towards the alcohol and drugs. The last 3 and half years, I grieved through alcohol and drugs. I grieved through the party lifestyle. I grieved through by making stupid choices. I dealt with major depression and anxieties. I was in the darkness and pushed God away from me. I hated myself. I could never forgive myself for what I had done to Him.
Then training camp came. Last Thursday, July 9th, God broke me. He allowed the pain, that I pushed so far away, come to me. Three and half years of grief and emotions came to me within one hour. I felt the pain that I didn’t want to feel. And as scary as it is, it felt so good to feel the pain, to feel the emotions. And the amazing Lord was right there with me every step of the way. I felt His presence, His warmth. During the moment of breaking down my walls, God told me to step out of the darkness. He told me to go to Him. Go to His light.
Father,
Thank you for Your love. Thank you for Your presence. Father you are saying that I am Your light. I am the light of joy, love, comfort, compassion, and courage. Light of everything. But fear has weakened my life. Fear of loneliness, grief, and pain.
Father I hear you say, “Now don’t be afraid of loneliness, grief, and pain for I am always there with you. I will bring you joy and light. Do not be afraid.”
“Father, what do you want me to leave behind?”
“Haley leave behind your pain. Forgive yourself and those who hurt you. Leave behind your mistakes and bring in Me. Allow yourself to come into My light. My light of joy, love, comfort, compassion, and courage. I am bringing you, Haley, into My heart. You are my daughter. The light of everything.”
That moment, I completely broke. Tears all over the place. Then, I forgave myself and began to love myself. I realized that God really hears me and He loves me more than I know. For the first time in a long time, I stepped out of the darkness and walked into the Light of God. I felt his presence and his warmth. The joy and happiness has came back into my heart. I AM FREE.
This is just the beginning. I still have a lot to work on and a long way to go but I am ready for what God has for me. I am ready for HIM.
The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
Psalm 18:2
To the future racers, my advice for you when going into training camp is to let go of your expectations and let God in. He will take care of you. He will break you but He will restore you. Step out of your comfort zone and allow yourself to feel His warmth, His presence. I am telling you, it will be one of the most beautiful, freeing thing you will experience.
To the staff of AIM and V-Squad, thank you for your love. Thank you for your joy and light. Thank you for listening to my stories and being by my side when I was broken. I have never felt so loved like that in my entire life. I love you all and I can’t wait to see you all again in 6 weeks.
