Going into training camp, launch, and month one in China, I was connecting with the guys on my squad but not what I hoped for.
I was hoping to develop deep relationship with them. Actually, more of I was expecting. I had high expectations for the guys on my squad. I expected them to come to me and express their feelings out right away. I had expected them to protect me wholly. I had expected them to hug me and just sit there with me.
A lot of that didn’t happen. I got angry. I got confused on why that was happening. I started to see the worse of me, a whole new level of insecurity came at me. I was upset all month in China because of it and I blamed the guys for it. I blamed them for not meeting my expectations. During all of that, I had no idea why I had high expectations for them. I was too busy worrying about myself and being angry about it rather taking a moment to myself and think about why I felt like that and why I had high expectations for them.
Then I arrived to Mongolia for our first debrief (debrief is a time for all of us to take the time to rest and regather our thoughts). I talked to my squad-parent, Machel about my situation. While I was talking to her, it hit me. I realized why I had high expectations for them.
My brother was my role model, he was my protector. I went to him for advices. We had deep talks all the time. We loved going to my mom’s room to sit on her bed and talk for hours. Ryan would give me random hugs, sit next to me, and cuddle. We would go on car rides together all the time, grab ice cream, and just talk. Ryan would laugh at all of my jokes (even the corny ones), he thought I was the funniest person ever. He was my older brother, I looked up to him in every way. Then before I knew it, all of that was gone.
After he passed away, I did not have that anymore. It was ripped away from me. It’s been four years since his death and I miss him. I miss our talks, I miss his hugs. I miss going to him and just pouring out my emotions. I miss our car rides. I miss everything about him. Because of that, I wanted that back. So I realized that I wanted the guys on my squad to replace that (although Ryan will never be replaced). I thought if someone would give that back to me, it would make it easier. I would feel what I experienced, growing up with Ryan, again.
I realized that it’s not them (the guys on my squad), it’s me. It’s me that is messing up, not them. They are doing amazing. They are one of the most humblest, caring group of guys I have ever met. I realized that no one is ever going to meet my expectation of what I had with Ryan. Because what I had with Ryan was special, unique.
Because of that realization, I spoke up to the guys on my squad about it. I told them how I felt. I apologized to them for having thoughts of being angry at them. I told them that this is something I need to work on, not them. Then I encouraged them by telling them that they are great group of guys. Also, that they are doing a really great job by being there for each other and listening to one another.
Coming into the race, I promised God that I would open my heart for Him. Here I am, trying to be open as much as possible. But I am hating it. I am actually experiencing the grief (I have been holding it off for so long). I am experiencing the anger for my brother’s death, I am experiencing the sadness, vulnerability. I don’t like it. I want to push it away again. I don’t want to deal with it. But I know I have to. In order to get closer to God and be free, I need to let it all out. I need to grieve and talk to my squad-mates and God about it. It’s hard but I am doing the very best I can.
For that, I need prayers. I need prayers that the Lord will continue to open my heart. That He will continue to give me His warmth and comfort. Thank Him for being by my side during this hard process. Pray that He will reveal Himself through me. Pray that He will allow me to use this experience by being there for the people who has loss their loved ones.
Thank you for all of your love, support, and prayers
God Bless
Galatians 5: 1-6 (Freedom in Christ)
So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery to the law. Listen! I, Paul, tell you this: If you are counting on circumcision to make you right with God, then Christ will be of no benefit to you. I’ll say it again. If you are trying to find favor with God by being circumcised, you must obey every regulation in the whole law of Moses. For if you are trying to make yourselves right with God by keeping the law, you have been cut off from Christ! You have fallen away from God’s grace. But we who live by the Spirit eagerly wait to receive by faith the righteousness God has promised to us.For when we place our faith in Christ Jesus, there is no benefit in being circumcised or being uncircumcised. What is important is faith expressing itself in love.
