Month two and the first debrief are officially over and it’s crazy to say that we are now in month 3. Whoa wow whoa, where did the time go?!
The grand three or four blogs that I have written while I’ve been on the race have mainly been focused on what I’ve been doing, who I’ve been meeting, who I’ve been praying for, etc. There really hasn’t been much about what’s happening inside of me; what the Spirit has been molding.
It’s frustrating, I know. My journals look the same and it’s something I’m working on.
I’m not the best at sharing my emotions and what’s going on within me, but I am now declaring something different: I AM GREAT AT SHARING MY EMOTIONS AND WHAT’S GOING ON WITHIN ME.
So let’s get this party started.
Way back in month one, the Honduras month, God was really breaking me down and, generally speaking, showing me how little I know about Him, the word, the Spirit, His love… pretty much that I don’t know a lot of things.
That was the month I felt the farthest from Him that I’ve felt in a long, long time.
And it wasn’t the best feeling.
But, looking back, I think God let me feel like that so that He could show me how much better I can feel with Him within me all the time! Great news!
So, this past month, Guatemala month, God revealed to me step one.
Let me take the story back for a second, back to training camp.
At training camp there was a night for grieving. A night where people were allowed to just reflect and pour out all they were holding in about circumstances of the past.
That night I did not cry, I did not shed a tear, I really didn’t even reflect about much. I thought that I had correctly grieved all that I had to grieve.
WRONG-O.
I think if I had started grieving that night I would have not stopped until a week later. It’s not that I have had a terrible life, it’s that I have just contained all the crap within me for so long and that none of it was let out.
Fast-forwarding to Guatemala – Our team had worship night every Thursday night during the month and on one specific worship night, before it actually started, I just felt like I would burst into tears if anyone tried to talk to me. I didn’t exactly know why, it was just one of those days, I guess. One of those days that contained all the frustration from previous days.
As soon as the lights went out, because we would turn them out during worship, I started bawling my eyes out and it didn’t stop until the lights turned back on, about 2 hours later.
At first I didn’t know why I was crying. I thought I was just crying to cry, but I think God was beginning my journey through all the grieving I haven’t gone through. Not all the grieving at once, but just one thing at a time.
This time it was about self-image. I had noticed, as well as others on my squad, that I had been comparing myself to others. Maybe not always comparing verbally, but definitely mentally.
That night I even noticed how I was comparing myself to how I used to be. I was saying that I didn’t like who I was and that I used to be a lot more positive and uplifting, even in the most disappointing situations.
God brought me to the thought that I WAS MADE IN HIS IMAGE.
I sat on that for a few minutes.
If I was made in the image of God then that means that I am beautiful inside and out.
I told myself that if I believe in God then I needed to start believing that fact.
God gave me a mission to help boost my self-image: to not wear makeup or use any hair accessories for a week.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m ugly. I’m okay in my book.
BUT I did think that starting a change with my outward appearance would help change my inward spirit.
So I did it.
No makeup for a week. No hair accessories, including hair ties, for a week. Nada!
And let me tell you, I feel great. It’s like my personality, my spirit, totally changed. All from grieving a little and following what seemed like a silly task from the Lord.
People have told me that my attitude has changed dramatically; that they have noticed a change in me. And more importantly, I have noticed a change in myself.
I rarely find myself comparing my qualities or actions to another person and if I realize I am thinking a negative thought, I stop that thought and change it to a positive one.
So here we are, month three and in the sticks of Nicaragua. We’re working with an organization called Mateo 5:16 and I would explain our schedule, but we didn’t really receive one. It was an interesting time for us to come to this organization, but I think God had a plan within this chaos.
Team Kina, my team, is with team Raised to Life, making 13 people in total on this property. We are still fresh off travel day, but after spending some time making a tentative schedule and talking about what we would like to see happen while we are here, I think we’re in for a wonderful month!
Side note: an unexpected, yet interesting part of debrief included being a witness to the road of Antigua blow up like a bubble and then overflow like water, making a huge river down the street.
I felt like I was in Venice again!
