The Lord recently put it on my heart to write a blog about dating, why I have no idea. I asked my friend Molly to help me figure out some questions to answer to formulate where to start. It may jump around, some things may resonate with you and some may not. Have grace with me and feel free to offer any thoughts you may have about what dating might mean to you. It’s hard putting your heart out there for the world to see, especially when it’s talking about putting your heart out there… Someone has a sense of humor. So here goes nothing.
First things first, I have never been on a real date. As in never pursued by a guy who wanted to get to know me with the intention of exclusively seeing me. I have had a boyfriend, but that was like middle school and it was more like “hey I like you,” “Hey I like you too, let’s be boyfriend and girlfriend.” I wouldn’t have changed that at all because he is still one of my good friends, but that isn’t so easy as a twenty-something. I think these days my generation has fallen into this cycle of just “hanging out” with people we have a possibility of being attracted to. The lines have become blurred because (in my opinion) we don’t want to become too invested, just in case we actually don’t like that person. So I say this to give you a perspective of where I am coming from. A 25 year old who has never been asked to go on a date before. Now what I can say is that I have gone out with guy friends one-on-one, but there was never any thought for me that it was considered at date (sorry if it was and I’m oblivious). I do think something that’s hard with people and feelings is that it seems like it is a lot easier to try and just turn your feelings off instead of giving someone a chance. When you say yes to letting someone in, you are risking your heart to a person you may know very well or maybe not at all. One of the scary parts about sharing your feelings is that maybe the other person doesn’t feel the same way. When you know you might hurt someone you may just stay away altogether, which ends up hurting just as much. I’ve learned that we all just want to be wanted by other people, not in just a romantic way but in platonic relationships as well.
While on the race I have had 30 something other people tell me about how they date or have dated in the past. One thing I’ve learned is there isn’t one thing that works for every person. We all have different personalities, enjoy different things, and have different expectations of a date. Some of the girls say they expect the guy to make the moves and start pursuing her. She never wants to be the one to initiate the pursuit. I’ve had teammates tell me they want to date someone to marry them. They may go on a few dates but if they can’t picture being with them forever, then it’s not worth pursuing anymore. Then there’s hanging out and going straight to defining the relationship and then being exclusive. Some people are fine with hanging out a few times, maybe not calling them dates but then having a moment of “what are we?” From there they become exclusive with the label of boyfriend or girlfriend, or they stay content doing what they’re doing and aren’t committed to any one person. I guess the biggest thing I’ve learned is that you have to do what works for you. If you want to be pursued, then wait for someone to pursue you. If you like to take initiative then do it. Don’t think that what works for your friends or the couple on TV will work for you. Another big thing I’ve learned is know what you want, have expectations and don’t be discouraged if you haven’t found that person yet.
Sometimes I think it may be easier to just say you’re dating someone so there isn’t an expectation to be anything serious. On the race I’ve learned that a lot of cultures still practice courting a significant other, which sounded so old fashioned. When we broke it down to what it means to them is essentially how we view dating. It isn’t necessarily exclusive, and there aren’t as many expectations one each other. This is where the dreaded DTR (define the relationship) comes in. This is a key step that I think sometimes get lost in translation. Whenever this happens, to me you become exclusive. When you label me your girlfriend, to me that says that you intend to pursue me and only me. I would hope to date someone I could potentially see myself marrying, but for now marriage is not on my radar. Plus how do you know, if you don’t give it a try a little sting now is nothing compared to the pain of a heartbreak after feelings have been invested.
I’ve had people on the race ask me what is on my “list” for a future husband and I was like “excuse me, what?” That was a foreign concept to me, to have a list of standards for someone to meet. Is there really someone who will fit every one of those bullet points? I don’t know, but I realized I had to have more of a starting point than he has to love Jesus. Having high standards for someone you want to be in a relationship with is important because if you settle then you end up getting hurt. You aren’t trusting in God’s best for you. So as of right now, yes-he needs to be madly in love with Jesus. He has to be able to lead me in my faith, but also be willing to learn from me and my walk. I would say another important thing for me is for him to have a good sense of humor. I enjoy laughing and joking around, someone has to handle my sarcasm and be able to make me laugh. I need someone who has dreams and ambitions, who isn’t afraid to try new things even if they fail. I know the lord has big things in store for my life and I want someone who is on the same page. I want to be living my life, doing whatever the lord is calling me to do and for that future person to come along side me and encourage me in whatever I do. These are just a few expectations or standards I would like for whoever I date to have, for me right now these are deal breakers. I don’t think it’s unrealistic to have these expectations in place, the lord knows the desires of my heart and he is faithful to provide. Of course a physical attraction has to be there as well, but I’ve learned I don’t really have a “type”. For me there isn’t one perfect person I could describe to you and that’s ok. Obviously I have to throw this out there… He doesn’t have to like the Green Bay Packers, but that most likely will be how I spend my Sunday’s-church and football.
I don’t quite know what to expect from dating now, but I would hope that if someone wants to pursue me that they are just upfront about it. Being on the race I’ve learned how important communication and clear expectations are in a healthy relationship. If you want to date me to be in a relationship, let me know that. If you aren’t looking for a relationship but want to hang out as friends, that’s cool. I’m not really into this whole ambiguity thing, not really knowing what the heck is going on. I expect to have fun! I’ve learned that life is too short to not have fun. Be willing to do spontaneous things. I want to spend time with someone who wants to adventure and explore with the world with me. I expect someone to take me as I am, my flaws and all. We are all broken people who just want to be loved and love in return. With our brokenness comes a fight, a fight to love the other person more than the hurt that comes from the brokenness (if that makes sense). I’m obviously no dating expert, but what living in community has taught me is that when you love someone, you fight to care more about them where they’re at than to let their brokenness void what they mean to you. Fight for me, not with me.
I’m currently at the stage of life where it seems like everyone I know is either seriously dating, engaged or recently married. Sure I have been traveling all over the world, seeing amazing things but I feel like something has been missing. I realized something I want in my life is for someone to share in amazing adventures with. I’ve realized how relationships change with friends when they are in a relationship and you aren’t. Like I said earlier, we all want to be wanted and there are some people who are good at balancing a relationship and friendships and others are still a work in progress. That doesn’t mean they don’t matter any less to me, it just means the expectations of our friendship have to be redefined. For me, I want someone who allows me to have the freedom to spend time with my friends. In the same way I want him to spend time with his friends and to do things that he enjoys. A relationship that is too codependent isn’t something that I am looking for. I’ve learned that just because someone gives you attention, doesn’t mean that person is God’s best for you. Sure having someone tell you they like you and reasons why is nice, but you have to give yourself a heart check. Do you like that person or do you like the attention they give you, because those are two very different things. So here’s to the future and to the one who is immeasurably more than anything I could ever hope or dream for.
