Where can I start? Where do I begin? How can I get out all that is in my crammed head right now? My thoughts scatter in every direction when I try to put words to what my heart is saying. There is just too much. I feel like God needs to slow down and give me some room to breath; some room to digest ALL I am experiencing. It is crazy that God just will not let up.
His hand is on me right now.
The craziest part about all of this to me is that God’s hand is not heavy, but it is wrapped in light and life and love. God will not let up, but the more I think I cannot handle more of God’s challenges, and lessons, and joys, and intense awe, and blessings, the more I realize I can never live without them again.
Of course what I have been experiencing is too much for me to grasp. It is GOD I am getting a taste of! A God that is passionate for His people. A God who knows no bounds and cannot be bound. I am getting a taste of the power and authority of the Almighty. I am seeing perfect compassion, amazing grace, and God’s deep intimacy. I have never experienced such perseverance, such dedication, such purpose in God’s continuous pursuit of… ME.
How can I go back to living my life of trying to make God easy and comfortable? How can I expect to experience the vastness of Abba Father when I believe in Him, but do not follow Him with my life? How did I start believing that following Jesus is about blessings in this life, having comfort, striving to be good for the Lord, living my own life but loving the Lord while doing it, etc? When the more I read scripture the more I see none of those portrayed. I see trials, suffering, promises of future blessings (not earthly), grace and intimacy (not right and wrong), community (believers working together to portray Christ), and a transformation of spirit, mind, body, and life (not “I live my own life with God on the side or sprinkled on top”).
It is the most intense thing I have ever experienced! I have never struggled so much before. I never knew how hard and painful brokenness is, or that I had so much to be broken of… It hurts! I am being stripped. Stripped of… me. I am fading away, day by day.
Why then, do I want more? Sitting here even now, I struggle to come up with an answer that will explain exactly why I want more. But this is it. This is the only explanation I can put into words.“Whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord”. All the struggles, trials, and humbling experiences which make it hard to breath right now, are absolutely worth it because I am seeing so much of God’s perfect compassion, amazing grace, and deep intimacy. When I live, I get in the way. I want to die to me, and live in Christ.
