Blog number two. Technically the rest of my squad has been doing blog month (4 blogs over the month of April, this would be my first for that but I might try to catch up…). I’ve been putting it off, because, well I’ve been kind of busy and what do I want to write about anyway? But today, I finally sat down and worked through some things that had been swirling around in my head for the past week or so and decided I should write about some of it. There’s a lot going on right now. A lot to be stressed about.
I’m not a huge fan of stress or negative emotions (is anyone? If you are, please share your secret) and how I cope with it is well…I don’t. I kind of shove things deep down and stay busy enough that I don’t have to think about what’s wrong. Of course that usually backfires (“builds until explosion” is probably a bit more accurate). Super healthy, am I right? I’m also not a huge fan of transparency. I’d rather keep my feelings to myself and help other people by listening to their problems instead.
Naturally, I wound up committing to go on a year-long trip through a program that highly recommends transparency… and blogging. Blogging means lots of people (or at least that’s the idea) read your transparency…yayyyyy. On top of that, you don’t know who they are or what they think– scary. God, however, created us to be surrounded by community – and can you truly belong to a community if you hide things away deep down and just smile or gloss over your struggles? You can (been there, done that) but it isn’t as deep or rich as it could/should be.
So to be transparent, the past couple of weeks I’ve been low key freaking out about raising money. The first few months, I was super chill. I mean, God was going to provide. I knew it with complete certainty. Then we hit the six month mark until launch (the super fun name for when we leave- side note, we’ll be meeting up for launch on my birthday or the day after– so it’ll be a new year x2 –whoop, whoop). Back to launch. We’re now roughly 5 months and about 3 weeks from leaving and I have $2,440 out of $18,200.
I like numbers. I’m not really a math person but numbers provide concrete, logical information. I don’t like these numbers. I don’t like the fact that I need $15,760 in 6 months and that the most money I’ve raised in a month was around $1000. Well, to get fully funded by October, I need to almost triple the amount ($2,626.67 to be exact) I raise each month from now until launch.
Now, our official deadline to raise support by is January 2019, but I feel like I’m supposed to raise it all by launch. No pressure. It’s not like the numbers say I should be freaking out or anything (see above paragraph, if you’re still confused, yes I should be freaking out).
One of the things God has been teaching me the past six or so months is to turn my thoughts to Him. If I’m obsessing over a cute guy, focus on God. If I’m being drug down by past shame or guilt, praise God. If I’m constantly daydreaming about the future and not living in the present, pray for the people around me. If I’m being tempted, quote Scripture to myself. If I’m freaking out about money, praise God again –and repeat to myself over and over and over and over about how He is the provider, how He holds the **entire** universe in His hands (the same universe He spoke into existence) yet still knows the number of hairs I have on my head. If He is truly that big and that powerful and that involved in my life, then the $15,760 is nothing to Him. Nothing.
So while I’m sort of freaking out, I’m fighting it. Because I am convinced that I serve a wonderful God who will provide. So here we go, blog number two of this journey. Blog number one of blog month. Hope you guys enjoyed!
P.S. While the purpose of this blog was not to get you to give me money, please don’t let that stop you from giving me money! But only if you want to/feel like you should. Though it’s a great way to be a part of something bigger. And hey, since we’re all thinking about taxes, remember that donations are all tax deductible. Also, if you want to share this with people who you think might like to help me out and be a part of this journey, please do so!
