I’ve needed to write this blog for a while now, but it is so easy to put it off and do something else – write another blog – instead. So I am finally writing this with the understanding that it will be my authentic self talking – no filter included.
I’ve had difficulty with friendships for years now. I just cant seem to keep my friends. They leave eventually, whether it be moving locations or moving on to other friends. I am so afraid this will happen again – so much so that I don’t usually let people see the authentic Hailey, because maybe the reason why they are leaving is because there is something wrong with me. All that being said, I currently have three best friends. (And one of those is my brother.) The other two have been a constant in my life; I know they will always be there for me and I for them. However, just a few weeks ago, my friendship with both of them became incredibly difficult, awkward, and strained. I thought for sure that I was losing both of my people – my constants, who have been a part of my life for years now. Let me tell you, that week sucked. I’ve lost friends before, but never two at a time, and I seriously questioned whether there was something wrong with me. This can’t just be coincidence, can it?
A few days after both of these friendships were so rapidly going downhill, I was driving in the car without the music, just thinking about my current rocky relationships, and past friendships that no longer exist. I felt broken that week, knowing that something was wrong with me, convincing myself that I let these important friendships get so rough.
“Are you going to leave me too?!” I said to God. I felt angry, and I felt hurt. I knew the answer to that question, but I needed to hear what He would say.
“Never will I leave you.” He replied. Wow. I’ve known that verse for years, but there is something about hearing straight from God that gives me such a feeling of contentment.
I was struggling with feeling like I don’t have anyone to talk to, so naturally, I told my mom about it. She, being the wise woman she is, asked me one simple question. “Would you be okay with never having a friend again?” Obviously, my mom doesn’t think I’ll never have any friends (nor do I) but it did strike a chord with me. Is God enough for me?
I was thinking about that question later on that night, and I said to God, “You created us for relationships! You created me for relationships with others!”
“I created you for a relationship with me.”
Oh. Right. How do I so often forget that? I crave friendships, but friends will always disappoint. They will never live up to what I want them to, and I will never be enough for them, either. But God, on the other hand… Well, He will never disappoint. Never will He leave me. No matter how many times I forget that I can run right back to Him, He will be there, waiting until I remember that I have a constant companion through Him.
I told my God all about how I just want to be pursued. I just want someone to want to be friends with me, and to do something about it! I want someone to reach out to me, instead of constantly being the one to pursue a friendship. “Do you know what that feels like? To know that if you didn’t put effort into the relationship, you wouldn’t have any friends?”
“I had twelve friends, and I chose and pursued them all.”
He answered another question; He definitely knows what that feels like. Jesus would have had no friends if He didn’t choose them and pursue them.
I gave my friendships to Jesus. I prayed about my two friends that I felt I had lost, and about desperately wanting – needing – to be pursued. I gave up trying to make relationships work, and asked for His help. If not His help in making them work, for confidence in the friend I have in Him.
You know what happened this past week? A World Race friend reached out to me. (Thank you again, friend.) My two friendships that were struggling are on the mend. I have a greater confidence about Jesus being the only relationship I need. While I may beg for friends, nothing compares to His amazing love, patience, comradery, and faithfulness He gives me daily.
One last story: Tonight I was thinking about how many Christians there are in the world. Every single minute, there are hundreds of us talking to Christ. “Do you really want to talk to me?” I asked Him.
“You are my beloved.” He replied.
