When I was around 9 years old, my sweet momma prayed for me and God told her that He calls me “exuberantly joyful.” As a nine year old, I remember thinking “I don’t think that fits me.” As a kid I knew that I didn’t have joy. Happiness maybe, but not JOY.
I was in gymnastics, my first love, for 7 years, and I quit because of competing. I HATED competing. I was never good enough, and I felt like crap when I couldn’t compete well. So I stopped gymnastics. Looking back, I hated competing so much because it gave me anxiety, something I’ve struggled with since.
In my freshman and sophomore years, my parents recognized my anxiety. I saw it but didn’t know what to do about it.
In junior year I became depressed. Miserable. Just unhappy and anxiety ridden and I didnt know what I could do about it.
Through all of high school and even now, I held on to “exuberantly joyful.” I knew it wasn’t true, but I also knew God wouldn’t lie to me and call me something I’m not, so if it wasn’t true RIGHT NOW, it must be a promise for the future.
Fast forward to the race. Dominican Republic, my first country. My phone broke on day 3, not allowing me to contact home, my safe place. I was with 40 new people, and as a quieter person it was so difficult to make friends. I was quickly slipping into an anxiety lifestyle once again. I had a couple anxiety attacks within that month, and many times, I’d rather stay in bed than go out and do ministry.
I was angry. That was NOT how the World Race was supposed to be. I had been dreaming for this trip for three years, why was anxiety so close and happiness so far?
Towards the end of the month, I was writing – scribbling angrily- in my journal about it. I wrote “God, you said half of my lifetime ago that you call me exuberantly joyful. I feel the opposite. I don’t understand but I’m ready to not be ruled by anxiety and I’m ready to not be sad.”
The next week was debrief, a weeklong period of rest before our next county. I got extremely homesick. I felt miserable. I didn’t want to be in the DR, I didn’t want to be on the race, I didn’t want to be with the people I was with.
There was a moment I remember vividly when I was angrily talking to God and said “Despite this overwhelming anxiety, despite this sadness, I will hold on to your promise that I WILL be joyful one day. You told me I will, and I believe it.”
The next day I woke up and felt lighter. I remember calling my mom on a friends phone (because mine was still broken) and saying “I don’t understand how I got here, but for the first time in my entire life, I think I’m experiencing joy. God given joy instead of temporary happiness.”
The next month we were in Haiti, and the devil was battling hard to try and make me fall back into anxiety. Christ constantly had to remind me to lean on Him. To CHOOSE joy. To overlook anxiety and walk away from it in order to walk into a moment of joy with Jesus.
I didn’t always choose to be joyful. Actually that first month, I probably only chose joy half of the time. But I had experienced it, and while being sad was familiar and therefore comfortable , I now knew there was something else, something better and, well, more fun; freeing.
For month two of the race, I had to cling to the truth Christ gave me. I came across this passage that I memorized as a kid, and in moments of anxiety, I would say it to myself.
Philippians 4:6-8
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition with Thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding WILL guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, the think about such things.”
When anxiety began creeping up, I would ask myself, “What is true? I am good enough and He loves me. What is noble? He came down to earth to die just because He loves me so much.” Etc etc. Asking myself what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable and meditating on it helped change my mindset completely. It changed the way I live.
Coming to our ministry in South Africa last month, I had the responsibility of contacting our ministry host and getting my team to the site. Usually, I would’ve been very anxious about this. I’ve felt lots of anxiety about changing where I live every time we’ve moved, and with this added responsibility, I “should’ve” been panicked. But through this newfound joy, through seeking Christ in all things, it was my first ever travel day without anxiety. I felt a complete absence of anxiety, and pure excitement to get to our new site.
Anxiety is still something that comes up every so often. Sometimes I still wake up in a panic about something random, but Jesus is so gracious to remind me to cast my cares on Him and He WILL sustain me. I love that promise, it’s one of my favorites.
I encourage you to hold on to the promises He has made you, even if they are decades old. He is faithful and He will come through in the best possible timing. He’s that good.
