Greetings. The password to this blog is “dallas”.
Sometimes I’ll ask the Lord, “where are we?” And I’ll close my eyes and He’ll give me a mental picture of where we are together.
Many times, Jesus and I are at our diner together. It looks like a streamline trailer from the outside. It’s in the middle of the woods. It’s snowing outside. Inside, there are black and white checkered floors and red booths. Jesus and I are sitting in one of the booths, having coffee and breakfast together. The coffee is steaming. He’s looking at me intently. Every so often, He’ll put His head in His hand and His eyes will glisten and crinkle at the sides. He is giving me His undivided attention. This is often the picture I get when we are spending time together.
If I’m sad, Jesus and I will sit on the curb of a cul-de-sac together. There’s a single light post above us. My head is in my knees and Jesus has his arm around me. Recently, I’ve started to see Jesus asking me to get off the curb. He has one hand outstretched towards me. In these moments, I ask myself why I’m hesitant to get off the curb.
At launch, I saw Jesus and I on a boat. There was another boat heading in the opposite direction right next to us. The other boat had everyone from home on it. I was grasping desperately to get on this boat. Not even looking at Jesus. All the while, Jesus is waiting patiently for me to turn towards Him. I’ve recently seen myself facing forward rather than grasping for what’s behind. If I find myself in this situation, I know the Lord is asking me to trust Him with whatever I’m holding onto and to come with Him on an adventure.
Sometimes, Jesus and I are sitting on the beach at sunset. I have my head on his shoulder. This happens when I’m experiencing peace.
I say all this because I’ve recently felt incompetent. I’ve felt useless. I’ve felt like I’m making zero difference. And I’ve felt like the Lord is upset at me.
So when I asked the Lord, “where were you during all this?” He started showing me He was sitting beside me as I was having conversations with my teammates, He was crossing the street with me, He was admiring the daily bakery selection with me, He was eating at my favorite restaurant with me, He was waking me up in the morning and singing me to sleep at night… He was everywhere. He hadn’t left me for a second. And He wasn’t disappointed in me. He was delighted in me!
It’s so crazy how the enemy will twist our minds to think God is unloving and that He is not good and that He does not care for us or have our best interests at heart. But God is right there all along, quite patient, and quite jealous for our affections.
I’ve started seeing Jesus leaning against the door frame of our hostel room. He has a smile on his face. His arms are crossed. He’s gently shaking his head back and forth. And He’s just saying
Hailey
I am everything for everyone
I don’t ask anything of you
I want you to spend time with Me
I want you to love Me
I want you to invite Me into your mess
I want you to trust Me
I want you to realize My presence is a promise
I said I’d never leave you
I said I’d never forsake you
I said nothing would separate us
I said I’ve got you
I said I would fight for you
I said I would comfort you
I said I would provide for you
I said I would fill you
I long to make you feel loved
I long to be there for you
I long for you to see what you mean to Me
I know where you are, Hailey
I’ve got your pin on My map
There is nowhere you can go
That I won’t be
And I now find myself responding
Thank You, Jesus
That You long to be with me
That You long to make me feel loved
That You long to fill me
That You long to be here for me
Lord
Thank You for loving me even when I feel like I’m useless
Even when I feel like I’ve done nothing for You
Even when I feel like I’ve been anything but helpful
Anything but joyful
Anything but loving
Anything but
Lord
If I would just sit with You
And allow You to speak to me…
Thank You for trying to get through to me
Thank You for not giving up on me
I pray against holding tightly to things that aren’t mine
Those things are Yours
You have plans for me
I have to let go of mine
And trust that You know better
Love y’all. He loves you more though. I pray you’d put your name where I had mine. And that you’d begin to ask Jesus where you are with Him.
