Why on earth am I continuing on with this musical term thing?
It’s because I made myself a promise. And I am incredibly stubborn.
That’s actually something we’re going to be talking about today – my stubbornness.
This blog is appropriately named crescendo because we’ve reached that time.
We’re a week away from launching and things are getting more and more intense.
Up until two weeks ago, I was so calm. Training camp didn’t even scare me away.
Then all of a sudden… I was freaking out. I started questioning every decision I’ve made since I was 5. Eventually I worked my way up to present day. And the thoughts were just going. Albeit, many of them irrational, but some were pretty rational.
I was so frustrated with myself because I was like LORD, I thought we conquered this! I thought this whole panic attack thing ended freshman year of college! Why am I allowing this to happen again!
The thing that baffles me is that the Lord only wants us to focus on today. And hardly even today. I think He’d prefer if we didn’t even focus on today at all. I think He would prefer it if we just looked straight to Him for every second. He even says, “do not worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow has enough troubles of its own.”
And then the Lord reminded me of something so beautiful. Everywhere I go on this race… the Lord has already gone. Like… He has been there working on the hearts of the people in that country. Before I step foot there.
But beyond that… He is beyond time. He is not worried about Hailey’s July 28, 2019 because He can see Hailey’s July 28, 2059 simultaneously. He has already LIVED those days that I’ll be in Mongolia and China and… everywhere! Wow! It completely baffles my mind!!!! The Lord has already lived those days with me! What a wonderful comfort that is to my soul.
There’s this song by Chris Renzema called “I Don’t Wanna Go.” And the lyrics say “I don’t wanna go if You’re not going before me… You don’t call where You won’t lead.”
Heck no I don’t wanna go if Jesus hasn’t already gone where I’m going. And! The Lord is not going to call me to go on the race and then leave me. He’s not going to make me fend for myself.
Another thing… the enemy is going to do anything in his power to stop me from doing what God is calling me to do. Dang. THAT IS ENCOURAGING. Because these fears that I have… its because God has called me to it. And that BOTHERS Satan. He knows that the Lord is going to use me. And he hates it. He will attack me from all fronts.
But wow.
Thank you, Jesus, that You are infinitely more powerful. And that You sing psalms over me like Psalm 23 which tells me that You are my shepherd and that You lead me beside still waters where I can find REST in You. And Psalm 139, which tells me that all my days are written in your book. Lord, even the days I can’t stop watching YouTube videos of James Corden? Even those days?? You’re so crazy, Jesus! It’s so crazy how fully You know me and still love me and fight for me.
Jesus is so crazy y’all. I do not deserve Him.
This year, I am forcing myself to press into discomfort. I gave God a big yes in saying I’d go on this race with Him. But I want to give God my daily yes. I want to see how He’s going to change me. I want to stop being so stubborn and allow Him to do what He wants to do. Because being close to Jesus is actually the safest place to be, contrary to what the enemy wants me to believe.
I also chopped off my hair. I love my hair. My hair is a source of comfort for me, as weird as that sounds. But I want to die to myself more than I want to keep my hair. Like it says in that song by United Pursuit… “I want to seek You first, I want to love You more, I want to give You the honor You deserve.”
It’s so sweet too cause the Lord knew how much I’d need to depend on Him in this season of life. He wants me so much closer. Wow.
Are y’all pumped? I’m pretty pumped.
