Since I’ve been home from training camp, I’ve realized a lot of hard things.
For starters, normally I’m a lonely person (both good ways and bad). I like to spend time by myself, I don’t tend to make plans with people because I’m too busy with other things like work, family, travel. I avoided other people because I didn’t think I could really trust anyone. High school put this image in my head that no one is really ever your friend. I felt like no one wanted to be around me because effort I gave to others wasn’t given to me in return. I bent myself over backward for other people, only to be left out and forgotten. Before camp, I didn’t need to be around anyone. I liked being alone. I was comfortable being alone.
You’d think I would have learned that following God and his will is anything but comfortable.
So, I walked into training camp absolutely terrified of my squad. Like…yeah, we had a giant group message and all have been talking for months…but I didn’t REALLY know these people?? I was terrified of reliving high school and being left out again. I didn’t want to cry to myself at night because I didn’t feel wanted by anyone. I prayed to God that I wouldn’t be alone through camp.
Worthless. Forgotten. Annoying. Idiotic. Weird.
I didn’t want to feel like those again. And I did at first.
I hated camp for the first day or two. I wasn’t comfortable because I didn’t have someone to pour into and no one to pour into me. I kept wondering why I was there, I didn’t think I was meant for this. I cried so much during worship the first few nights because I felt numb and angry.
I met my team. I was a little stunned by them, I felt insecure. No way, I could be a Godly woman like they are. They are talented, beautiful, and absolutely covered in God’s grace. I couldn’t even speak in coherent sentences half the time and they poured out the most beautiful words from God.
I got discouraged and I pushed away from them at first.
But, they continued to pour into me and encouraged me without me even realizing. Through our team building exercises, our team communicated well and encouraged each other well. We laughed and cried together.
I found myself pouring my heart out to them one night. They listened intently. When I finished, I wanted to DIE. Why did I do that???? I’m so STUPID. They don’t care!!
GOLLY was I wrong.
They didn’t try to offer solutions to my problems or tell me “everything is gonna be okay”.
Every single one of those girls sat and prayed with me. They prayed for strength and for wisdom. They prayed for me to know I was loved by them and by HIM.
I died. Because they knew that anything they had to say wasn’t going to change anything. Only Jesus could fix me, not them. What a HUGE smack in the face.
But, the fact that they cared enough about me to sit and listen to what I had to say, and pray over me was the biggest thing in the world. That’s the most love I’ve ever received from ANYONE.
God was working through every one of them and making me feel loved by someone other than my boyfriend or my mom. Their love for me made me more motivated to pursue the Lord.
Don’t get me wrong, I was already pursuing. But, God showed up when I needed him the most through them. But, what really changed is that I WANTED to be around people, I didn’t isolate myself. Because I realized that God shows through others whether we realize it or not. I looked down at my feet and kept to myself rather than looking at what was around me.
