Today is the seventeenth anniversary of my granddaddy’s death. I remember it like it was yesterday. We had just gathered as a family to celebrate the wonderful Christmas season. We were all there- laughing, talking, and probably eating- and then he was gone. Our laughter turned into mourning, our talking into silence, and our eating into feeling sick. Seventeen years have gone by. I’ve grown up. My granddad has missed it all. I was my granddaddy’s girl. I clung to him. He had a way of making me feel so special. I miss him.
Anniversaries have a funny way of reminding us of the passage of time. We think about what was and what is and what might be. Anniversaries may bring immense joy- birthdays, weddings, sobriety- yet often times they remind us of our pain: another year without healing, another year without a long anticipated child, another year without my granddad. Time marches on.
God reminds us that there is a time for everything. Ecclesiastes chapter three tells us that
“for everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.”
I am so thankful for joy and laughter but I am so thankful for pain and mourning for God is surely with me through it all. Grief and pain is hard and messy and we are vulnerable but God doesn’t say that we must bury it all and hide. “There is a time for every matter under heaven”…EVERY matter. I have learned that in everything, if we allow ourselves to run to God instead of blaming Him, He will show us a special, intimate part of His nature that we can forever hold in our hearts. It’s ok to question. It’s ok to lament and grieve. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to be disappointed. God will not be angry or upset with you about this. He understands the complexity of human emotions. A difficult emotion is a pathway that serves a purpose. These emotions allow God to infuse His very being into ours and equip us to face the challenges of life with perseverance, trust, and a sense of purpose. I’m so thankful for every season He walks me through. (Excerpts taken from “No More Faking Fine” by Esther Fleece)
I often wonder if my granddad were still here what he would say about our world now and what he would think about me- now 25 years old. Life is so short. I want to spend it doing things that bring me joy with the people I love. I want to look back at the time I was given no matter how short or how long and know that I did all that I could to glorify my Lord and to love the people He put in my path. Sometimes I look at this last quarter of a century and think- should I have done more? Should I have taken that job? Should I have gone on to medical school? But no, I know that God is here and he has been here all along. He has been directing me. Every season, every pain, every joy has made me who I am supposed to be. Seventeen years flew on quickly but I know that I have spent them becoming a woman that would make my granddaddy proud.
