Hiatus:
That’s what I did.
I’ve started this blog a thousand different ways (obvious exaggeration) and nothing has felt right.
Here’s my final attempt at this…
A couple of months ago I was feeling so overwhelmed, exhausted inside and out. I desperately needed to lay things aside to fully reset and rest. I laid my phone aside, an outward symbol of what I needed to lay aside internally. I needed to let go of hurt, wounds, bitterness, poor self image. It was painful and scary to say yes to diving into the deep and trusting the Lord to not let me go down in the abyss of pain and hurt.
It‘s this journey with the Lord in exposing and recognizing patterns of wounding in my life and walking through the healing. The past comes with a lot of wounds created by friendships that have resulted in walls erected to keep people at a distance. Over time, this became my norm, never allowing people in entirely. This experience, The Race, has tested these walls which eventually have given way. The crazy thing is, I didn’t even know these walls existed, I just lived my life in oblivion; oblivious of the freedom, joy, and fullness of life that existed on the other side. Once those walls came crashing down the bondage I had been living in became apparent. The Lord began to walk me through this new way of living in which I give more of my heart away to others, seeing them as He sees them; loving them as He loves them, knowing full well that goodbyes are inevitable. It hurts, honestly, yet it’s so beautiful. With each goodbye, I’m learning that we are all worthy of connection- true, authentic connection, with the Father and with others.
You see, somewhere in this journey of a life lived, I began to live the lie that I was not worthy of real, genuine connection and relationship. Patterns of friend woundings; feeling as though my friendship was conditional, when it’s most convenient for you, when there’s absolutely no one else and you don’t want to be alone, there’s me- Years and years of feeling like a “back-up friend”. I began to even speak it over myself, and words are so powerful. So you can see how this lie has taken root in my heart. And how ugly it is to live life this way.
As walls crumbled and lies unearthed, I’ve questioned my worth, my value, my identity.
I’m learning that the art of connection is believing that I am worth the process of developing and learning relationship. I have to believe I’m worthy simply and profoundly based on the truth that He calls me worthy, and He is my sole source of identity. Once this truth becomes a foundation, I then have to know my needs and then communicate them to others, again believing that my voice has value. It’s my responsibility to know the Lord and know myself. It’s the giving and the receiving that creates connection and it takes courage to say “I’m going to learn how to do both well.” It takes practice- daily practice- of sitting with the Father, practicing His lovingkindness, His patience, His fruits, receiving His love. I have to believe that I am worth the practice.
When I refuse to believe this foundational truth, I’m essentially calling God a liar: for He is my Creator, He calls me worthy, valued, treasured, chosen. When I don’t believe this, I don’t believe and trust the very One who gave me breath and life and I don’t believe that what He says He will do.
Oh Jesus, forgive me.
Forgive me for believing this lie that makes you out as a liar. Forgive me for the false sense of security, identity, and confidence I’ve allowed to cover my life. Forgive me for not seeing the value that my heart holds, for keeping the gifts you have given me from the very people they are meant to touch, and for keeping the love you have shown me from the world.
I’m so thankful for the death of Christ that put to death my own sin and shame and then as Christ resurrected with Him came my own life coming back- new, whole, free.
