A slight breeze, a faint and distant chattering ringing in my ears and the golden sun touching my pale exposed skin. I’m in a new place in a new season and once again I am the new girl.
Slowly finding my way around these foreign streets and yet it begins to feel like home. For a long time I spent my days moving around from place to place and trying to figure out what’s next and where to go. Now I am stuck. I am stuck trying to understand what is actually happening.
For so long I have had consistency even in the messiness of it all. I have had something that gave me structure. Now I need to create my own structure and make it on my own. I need to step up and become this person that the Lord has called me to be but in a new place and with new people. A year ago I don’t think I could have done it. My friends and I always make the “we are adulting” jokes possibly as a way to cope with the fact that we need to start growing up. We make these jokes and then laugh about it but in the back of our young minds it is real. Behind all of the confidence there is a little sliver of “am I even doing this right.” But we press on. We keep going because we know the big picture. We have seen the goodness that can come in the unknown. We have experienced pain and we have danced in joy. We have lived life fuller than most people our age and yet we forget that we are young and that it is okay to not know how to do something. We forget to ask for help.
As I sit here staring at the blinking curser, my fingers have lost their ability to move like a mime frozen in time. Words used to flow out of me… now, not so much. Now I am stuck. Now I find myself biting my tongue and having little to say. For so long it was easy for me to speak to fill the empty space around me. That’s why I would turn to writing because a paper is nothing but empty space and opportunity. It was an outlet for me to let everything out and now for some reason I can’t do that anymore. Here’s my problem. It’s not that I have little to say, it’s that I have so much to say but I want my words to bring value to whom ever is reading them. I don’t want to speak something out just to have it in the air. I want to speak only if it is going to add something new.
Earlier this week I gave a speech on a concept that the Lord has been walking me through called “Bold Silence”. Below is in excerpt from that speech.
“What is bold silence? It is remaining confident in the words that are not spoken. It is allowing space and opening up that atmosphere for the Holy Spirit to come and move mountains and giving God the opportunity to speak to His children.”
I have been learning for a long time now to have value on my words because they hold so much power. We are created in the image of God and we were given the ability to speak. Therefore we can not take that as something that is as light as a feather. We can not just use our words “just because”. We must acknowledge the weight that each person holds within themselves. We must stay true to who we are and use the influence that we have accordingly. We must stand firm on our beliefs and stay steadfast to the one who has created us because without that we would be nothing.
As I struggle through words to write and give I am reminded of the days I spent out of fear. The days I lived in darkness. It was in those days I found myself drowning in the thoughts that had gone unspoken. The times I had allowed my tears to fill my lungs resulting in my anxiety and depression ruling my life. Since then I have learned of the true weight my words carry. Not only for myself but other people as well. We have power but sometimes it is dangerously misused.
So now I am stuck. I am stuck on what to do. Sometimes we live in this victim mindset and we feel completely attacked, abandoned and… stuck. We feel forgotten about and unworthy of so many things. We take a word like “stuck” and naturally we think of bad things or situations of uncertainty.
To be stuck doesn’t have to be a bad thing. You can be stuck but also know that you are right where you are meant to be. Right where you NEED to be. So although I may feel stuck I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I am not associating it with being a bad thing or a good thing because all that I can associate it with is just being, living exactly how I already am.
