Skin. Mine is white. I am an American white girl living in a sea of brown.
Race. Something used to describe you based on the color of your skin and where you come from.
Expectations. False hopes that people place on you that are based off of your skin, off of your race, off of your life. Generally hopes that are so highly places on your shoulders that the weight is so unbearable you fall on your face trying to exceed them. You get dirty but brush off the dust and continue to slave for their approval. This is a trigger for me, this is one of my biggest fears. I grew up trying to fulfill the impossible expectations that people placed on me. I dug too deep. I forgot the ladder that got me out of the well I was drowning in. I forgot who I was. I forgot who I am.
Eyes. Some would say that they were windows to ones soul. Others would say that it is the only part of a human being that never changes. Eyes can be read like a book. Revealing every emotion of a human being. The past three days I spent next to a hospital bed. As I watched my teammate lose the air in her lungs from a coughing attack. I watched my teammate hold back tears from the pain of an IV being replaced in her hand for the third time. I watched my teammate as seven student nurses watched her, surrounding her bed, suffocating her. I watched my teammate crack a smile to try and cover up the complete brokenness inside of her. I watched a man with no emotion in his eyes stand at our door staring at the helpless American girl. I watched this man try and argue as I closed the curtain hoping he would get the idea. As I did this I thought to myself, how. How can someone look so empty while staring at someone in so much pain? How can he pray to a god that does not provide, that does not heal? Where does his hope come from? With every person that walked by our room, it slowly became smaller and smaller. Eventually becoming the hospital zoo exhibit. Everyone knew that there were three white girls in room 4B02 and everyone had to see for themselves. So I sat and I watched as my teammate slowly crumbled infont of me. I watched my teammate cry out of pain from the medicine she was given. I watched a nurse laugh in her face for crying. I watched my teammate shiver as I bathed her with cold water, feeling as though it was a type of abuse. I have seen pain. I have seen beauty. I have seen joy and sadness.
Eyes are the window to someones soul, yes, but also no. For someone who is a firm believer in Christ I would agree with this statement. I see a soul that’s full of life. So full that it overflows and pours out to the lives around it. But to someone who does not know the power, love, joy, mercy, grace and kindness of Jesus Christ I see a soul so incredibly empty inside. I don’t see life, I don’t see emotion. But what I do see is a chance. A chance to pour, a chance to give, a chance to change.
Being a white Christian in India, there is an expectation to heal on command. This is an expectation that I have no power over. Yes, I am white but I am not an angel that God sent down to save and heal everyone. I am a 19 year old woman who loves God and loves people. I am not here to heal the empty souls. That is out of my power. I am here to give the only thing I’ve got and that is the story of Christ. To show His love. I am a disciple, a follower, and I will fight for an all-powerful, all-knowing God that loves all. A God that is love. I am here to act as an aid to an empty soul. To bring the presence of the Holy Spirit with every step I take. To plant seeds. I have no power, He has it all. So yes, I will watch as God drastically changes my life by using me as His vessel. I will watch as children cry from my white skin having never seen it before. But I will as watch as children run to my open arms. For we are His children. So yes, I am white, I am an American. Yes your expectations are high but I have a God who is even higher.
Eyes watch and eyes live, they smile and they cry but they never change. Just like Christ’s love never changes and my love for Him will never change.
So I’ll sit and I’ll watch.
