A lot of my life has consisted of relocation, change and moving on. I lose count when I think of all the times I have been rejected by the people around me. There isn’t a day that goes by with that feeling of anxiety and the question of “will you actually?” that I don’t struggle with. The past two years has been some of the greatest and most joy filled times of my life. It has also been two years of constant disappointment and heart break. These past two years have been a build up to a five month time period that has changed my life more than the nine months I spent living overseas. I realized this while talking to a former teammate today, the World Race is simply lighting a match for your soul to catch. It isn’t until you are back on American soil where you really learn what dependance and intimacy is with the Father. It is preparing your eyes for a complete perspective shift that will then help you walk out what you truly believe when you return back home.
These past five months have been full. Full of joy, full of tears, full of people and intentionality an abundance of worship and self reflection. I have learned more about myself then I ever could have at home simply because I sat in a safe environment full of people who wanted me to fail. Yes, I said fail. My entire life I thought that failure was my enemy and was always out to get me. I allowed the devil to control my life by sneaking in every time I let failure win. Whisper in my ear saying “you’re not good enough… you’ll never make it… give up… what’s the point, you’ll fail anyway.” I lived in constant fear because I didn’t want to fail at something. To me failure was proof that I was worthless and not smart enough. These past five months my definition of failure has changed to something extravagant. To me failure is proof that I have the ability and I have the power to push myself further, failure is growth. I have grown so much in my self awareness and I have seen my perspective change and slowly shift for not only myself but also for other people.
So yes, a lot of my life has consisted of hard things but that was because I chose to live my life in complete un-health. I did not look into what made me feel the way I feel or see the way I see. I did not seek to understand because I thought and I assumed that I would fail at it. But how does one fail at something that is impossible to fail at? You can not fail when you are trying to understand yourself and gain knowledge about how you choose to do things and how you don’t. I let failure and fear drive my car for way too long because I didn’t understand them and I was completely unconscious to their driving. It wasn’t until I chose to put myself in the drivers seat and take control of the car that was slowly suffocating me, I began to believe that I am capable of greatness. That I am not a failure. That I am a powerful person. That I am WORTHY. I am LOVED. I am FULLY SEEN and FULLY KNOWN. It isn’t failure that scares me it is going back to my un-health that absolutely terrifies me. Going back to fear.
I can have good days and I can have bad days, just like anyone else but I refuse to go back to the days of negativity and depression. I refuse to let anxiety and fear parade me around. No longer will I sit and allow myself to fall back into that pattern. I will trust in the Fathers heart because I know that it is good and I know that it is eternal. I will trust in His almighty plan for my life and I will walk confidently in who God made me to be. Freely and authentically myself because I was made in the perfect image of God. The IMAGE of the eternal King and if I think for a second that God “failed” when He created me that is not walking in authenticity. That is not giving God the glory and the honor that He deserves. I am not worthy to have a place in Heaven, but because of the cross that Jesus Christ laid his life down on I am made new. I have been made pure and holy. Because of the cross I can live eternally with Jesus Christ in Heaven and can run and not grow weary, I can walk and not grow faint. I can rise on the wings of the dawn and I can be with my Father forever, happy and at peace.
So ask me how I am doing. Ask me how I feel about failure. My answer will be far different now than if you were to ask me in high school. I am content and I choose to live in a state of contentment regardless of my circumstances around me. My circumstances do not determine my response… I do and I choose failure because if failure means growth than why wouldn’t I want it.
