WARNING: This blog post is incredibly raw with where I have been and what I am walking through. It’s random and its messy. In fact, Im not even sure if it will make sense. But I felt the need to write it and it flowed right out of me, so I am trusting that Jesus will use this for His Kingdom. I pray that Jesus speaks through my messiness and human brokenness and that you may see His tangible mercy and grace. So much love to you all.
Entering month seven, I have the knowledge that this month is notoriously called the seven month slump.
I heard about this when I was in my second month of the race and I was determined to not fall into that “slump” while on my beloved race.
Yet somehow I find myself tangled and drowning in the slimy yuck of that very slum.
It has been a long time coming. after team changes, I grew weary. I grew confused and bitter at leadership – not understanding what the heck they are doing with our teams or squad. I harbored frustration and irritation. I was in denial while these nasty little seedlings grew in my heart.
But if I could be brutally honest with myself and others, I would ultimately come to the conclusion that I was allowing myself to drown in my own pity party and self inflicted pain.
I say self inflicted because I have a choice. A choice to be happy or a choice to be angry.
Unfortunately, I allowed the back doors to be cracked open for too long; allowing the devil and his deceptions to carry influence and weight in my thoughts and internal well being.
I honestly hate that I let it happen. and quiet frankly, I could feel it happening, but still chose to let it grow.
I still have no idea why i let it get so bad; burying myself in frustration and annoyances with all the conflicts that were swallowing me whole. conflicts that I could have fixed if i would have just grown a pair and been honest with those that have been hurting me, shutting me down, and silencing my voice by leaving me in my own pain.
It all boiled up to last night when I found myself having the biggest pity party and looking up flight information to book myself a flight home.
I would never ever quit the race, i couldn’t do that. I am not a quitter. I’m a fighter. However, the fighter in me is tired, exhausted and beat to the pulp.
My flesh just wanted to run away and hide in a black hole, forever.
While all of these emotions flushed my flesh, I desperately texted my mama; one of two people (the other being my sweet sister), I knew would listen to my bare, broken and hurting heart and embrace me for who I am, even in my darkest hours. I knew that she would let me vent without passing any judgement on me – without trying to pastor me and without trying to put a quick fix bandaid on my feelings and pain.
It wasn’t until the next morning that I got to talk to her…aka, this morning.
I listened to the high pitch ringing, eagerly waiting to see her face pop up on my iPhone screen.
My body was trembling; my heart was physically aching and my mind was racing.
As I sat there, in the middle of busy coffee shop, I vomited up all of my crap that had been festering and growing fungi in my belly.
She calmly looked back at my face, receiving all of my negativity and ache.
She hardly even flinched.
It was as if she wasn’t even phased. It calmed me, actually. It was soothing to know that another human on this earth could be a reflection of how Christ is to me, even when I don’t deserve it or when I’m knee deep in crap.
What I mean by that, is that Jesus will hold out a barf bag for you. He isn’t scared of you or your crap that you let fester, because He already knows your heart. He knows when you will open your eyes and He has already graciously forgiven you for being blind. He knows that we cant help it sometimes, because we aint perfect. We are sloppy humans and we fall every single day.
Yet He still stands right next to us, holding our hands, looking back at us with loving and calm eyes; ready to sooth and comfort us.
After ranting for thirty minutes, she met me there. She met me in my pain. She sympathized with me. She went with me to my darkest emotions and thoughts but didn’t judge me in the slightest.
But she also didn’t let me sit in my negativity.
Instead she built me up with encouragement, speaking words of truth over me, affirming me in my strengths and challenging me in my weaknesses. She pushed me to step out of my selfish shoes and get into the shoes that Jesus is wearing.
She was gentle yet constructive.
As I sat in my sorrow, I could feel His Presence meeting me there, through my mama. He showed Himself to me and spoke to me through my mama; a woman He used to create me in. The woman He chose to use to be intimate with me from the second He fused my very first DNA strand.
Today He used the very woman He chose to carry me 22 years ago, to speak to me and leak His Presence onto me. His beauty radiated from her as she spoke – as she hurt with me and as she poured joy into my soul. He was hovering over her and flowing through her with every word, emotion and posture.
It was intentional. It was purposeful.
As I choked back my tears while saying ta ta for now, with my beloved mama, I was overwhelmed. You see, I make her hang up the phone every time because my heart hurts to much to ever press end on the face that helped create me.
I sat there in silence for a few moments as I felt the Holy Spirit swirling around inside of me and my heart. Immediately I broke down and wept as I thanked the Lord for such special mama – for being incredibly intimate to me by using the woman He chose years ago to be with me through it all.
It’s funny how Jesus speaks through the people in our lives – using them as examples of how He looks at us, walks with us, carries us, speaks to us and loves us.
The love that I felt from my mama this morning was just a tiny sliver of the love that Jesus has for me. It was a taste of how He encourages me and a morsel of how He wants to empower me everyday.
Its hard to remember that He is fighting for me and working in my best interest when I am aching. He doesn’t let me travel down a road that I cannot handle and He wont let me drown in my own pity – just like my mama didn’t let me get away with talking so negatively or letting me give up on myself.
Jesus never wants us to be trapped in frustration.
We get to make a choice in our minds every day. We can either choose to let thoughts run rapid, foaming at the mouth with rabies. Or we can choose to abide in Jesus’ truth and everlasting love.
I suppose I am writing this blog because I am utterly amazed at how He used my mama; a woman that holds intimacy and importance in my life, unlike most human beings, just to point to the simple truth that He holds that much more weight, love, intimacy and strength in Himself.
Just to remind me that He is still next to me, cheering me on, challenging me, growing me, and loving me so deeply that my pathetic human brain will never be able to comprehend it.
I found myself relishing in the joy that was a residue of the experience that I had – choosing to let go of my irritations, frustrations and pain.
The time has come where I need to button up my fleshly flaws, lay them down at the cross and look up to Him. Grasping tightly to the truth of He will always carry me and He has my best interests in His hands.
There is no room to doubt that. It makes no sense to be negative, letting the waves of pain and annoyance swallowing me whole. Literally, I do not have an excuse to behave like that. Especially after He has died for me and knows full well what He is doing with me and for me. He knows me better than I ever will and He pours His grace over me when I forget to look to Him first.
Thank you Jesus for using my mama to teach me many lessons this morning and thank you for always being so incredibly faithful to my heart. Thank you for your intimacy and thank you for your mystical ways that will continue to captivate me for the rest of my life. More of you, Jesus and less of me. All I want is to be more like you – to radiate your joy and love to your people all over the globe. Thank you for reminding me of the mighty plan that you have for me and my life. I love you papa.
Love,
your curly headed child
Below is a song that has pulled me c loser to Him and given me peace in the middle of my chaos. Enjoy 🙂
